Heart-Break Diary

Day 1.

As I sit here, I look around to see all of his things scattered across the floor.  Tomorrow it will all be gone.  Not a trace of him left and the thought of this brings me to tears.  How did we end up here and why is this happening?  I try to remember the reasons for breaking up, but there is no room for them as I cry over the thought of losing him…losing us.

I think I foresaw this coming many months ago, maybe even more than once, but I never thought it would ACTUALLY happen.  I figured we would get through it, move passed it, and be together.  But now, here we are.  And it is all happening so fast.  What the hell am I going to do?

Feelings of sadness overwhelm me and when I feel like there is no end is sight, I remember this: I still have myself.  I have come too far to give up on myself now.  I am okay with being sad, angry, anxious, or any other type of emotion that comes with a break up, but I am not okay with losing myself in addition to losing him.  There were reasons for why we took a ‘break’ and for why we are now breaking up,  and although it is hard to remember those reasons, I know they are buried deep within me.  This all happened for a reason.  As I let go of what I ‘thought’ would be and open up to what could be, I feel at ease with myself and the current situation.

There is no preparation for a heart-break and considering this is my first real heart-break, I am utterly unprepared and still clueless as to what I am ‘supposed’ to do.  All I know is that living in the here and now is what will heal and save me.  I can’t think about tomorrow, after I drop him off at the airport;  arrive back home only to find all of his belongings gone.  No, I am not going down that road.  Instead I will be here, with myself, listening to the cars drive by and try to remain calm.  This is the only way to cease an anxiety attack.  So that is where I will try to remain, for now.  I am okay right now.

Day 2.

Gosh this sucks.  I dropped Evan off at the airport about an hour ago and I am now sitting at a coffee shop in the Northwest Portland area.  It is new to me.  The city is new to me, the people, and the coffee shop.  There is something mysterious about that.  I feel more comfortable here, in an odd sort of way, than I would back in our little town at our apt.  I am more drawn towards unfamiliarity then familiarity.  There is something comforting in that.  The unknown is scary, but exciting.

So because I am in an unfamiliar place, I don’t think that the reality of Evan being gone has hit me yet.  Yet, as I write this I can feel tears filling my eyes.  It is weird.

I want to feel comfortable in my home and in my surroundings.  I want to live comfortably, no worries of money or of not having enough.  I mean I guess I could start living that way, letting go of the worries and fears of not having enough and see what happens.  I could welcome a comfortable life style by acting as if I already have one.  I just read this quote and it really resonated with me.  Here it is:

Whatever happens to you, don’t fall in despair. Even if all the doors are closed, a secret path will be there for you that no one knows. You can’t see it yet but so many paradises are at the end of this path. Be grateful! It is easy to thank after obtaining what you want, thank before having what you want. – Rumi

So I will adopt this quote as a daily intention for my life.  To be grateful for what I don’t yet have.   🙂

The thing is this…. When I want to purchase something, say a cute Halloween decoration for my place, I start thinking that I shouldn’t because I don’t have enough money.  And decide against it.  Or when I am looking for a place to live I never look at the places that are above my price range because I believe there is no way I could ever afford it.  Or I calculate how much money I will be making and I stay glued to that number, like that is my budget and there are no if, ands, or buts about it.  So how do I change those beliefs that are already pre-registered in my mind?  I know that I deserve to obtain whatever I desire.  In my heart I can feel a yearning for a comfortable home, living space, and life style;  where I am able to make a living by doing what I love, which is somewhere along the lines of inspiring others to live their best life, and in doing so I inspire myself as well.  The question is, how?  Trust and patience.  Believe that I am already manifesting it.

I kind of want to make a new life for myself, somewhere new with new people and new places.  Just being in this coffee shop interests me in doing something new.  It is exciting.  Maybe this is what I needed, a heartbreak, to wake myself up to all the infinite possibilities within myself and in our world.  But the thought of not having Evan in my life is so sad.  I just love him so much.

Day 3.

Well, today was a challenging day.  I knew it would be hard, but today seemed harder than the past two.  This morning I felt like everything was coming down on me all at once.  I kept hearing the same questions repeating in my head: Where are you going to live?  What type of work are you going to do?  What if you end up moving back home!?  And then hearing that negative voice inside me, tearing me to pieces with statements such as, you are a waitresswho just broke up with her boyfriendwith no place to live and no clue as to what to do– what makes you think you could actually make it and become successful doing what you love?  And then after hearing that voice, for what seemed like hours, I felt empty and emotionally beat down.  I lied down, covered myself with my special blanket, closed my eyes, and let it all go.

The rest of the day seemed to gradually get better and now as I write this I feel okay.  I am going to make it through this.  What do they say? “When it rains, it pours.”  Well, I am in a full-blown down pour.

It’s crazy how my mind can bring me down to such awful states and then a minute later bring me back to a neutral state, where my dreams seem possible and attainable.  What are those voices inside of me?  Why do I have a voice who makes me feel so terribly bad about myself and then a voice who comforts me and allows me to believe and trust again.  And what voice do you believe?

It’s slightly funny, as I write this, I feel extra vulnerable and almost a little embarrassed, because I am usually writing blog posts to help others get through hard times, not dishing out my own dirty laundry.  I guess right now that is just what I need; to help myself get through this and then once I persevere I will… One: Have a great story, two: possess the knowledge and wisdom to help others get through hard times, three: become a more courageous and stronger person, four: feel brand new, having peeled off yet another layer, and five: feel grateful for making it through in one piece. 

Until then, I will try my hardest to embrace this time in my life and to see the positive in it.  I truly believe, from the bottom of my heart, that great things do come from challenging times.  So although I feel so helpless at times, I know deep within me that this is happening for a reason and although I may not see the whole picture right now, I will with time.  The greatest healers too, had to once feel great sorrow, for how else would they have had the capacity to heal the world?  By only experiencing Joy?  I think not. 😉

Be here, be now, for all other thoughts of the past or future are illusions, distracting you from the peace of now.

Thanks for reading.

Sarah

Day 4

BREATHE.  Take a deep breath and another.   I am going to be okay.

Yesterday was challenging and although I had some anxious moments today, I feel like I am keeping my head above water, and to be honest, that is all I am really hoping for.  I don’t need to have all the answers right now.  When the time is right, they will appear, and I am perfectly okay with that.

Just being able to stay present with myself is something to be grateful for.  If I can continually bring myself back to ME, away from all the busyness of my mind, I will find peace around all the chaos and confusion.

So thank you, to myself and to my inner guide, for allowing me to come back to me when life gets hard and scary.  I will always have myself, and for that I am truly blessed.

Goodnight.

Day 5

Earlier in the day

I just want to scream!  Everything and everyone seem to be annoying me today, especially myself.  I am pointing the finger at everyone for things that I need to take account for.

I wish Evan were here to talk to me and comfort me so I felt better, even if it were just for a minute.  I miss him.  And to top it off, his Mom is coming to visit and will be here within hours, which will only enhance my sadness and the reality that Evan and I have broken up.  Thankfully, my Mother is coming as well.  Although she seems to be annoying me the most.  Funny how that works.

I have a night planned for myself, which I was super excited about earlier today, however, right now I don’t even feel like going.  Mainly because I will miss them arriving here.  To be honest I don’t feel like doing anything.  I am what they call a “negative Nancy” today, only ‘negative Sarah’.  😦

I just need to breathe.  And when that doesn’t work, take a nap.  Be quiet.  I think a silent meditation retreat would be perfect for me right about now.

Later in the evening:

I feel good.  I lie here in bed, next to my mom and my favorite puppy in the world, Nelli, feeling blessed to have them by my side amid this transition.  I just got back from a workshop where one of my favorite authors was speaking at.  I felt so wonderfully inspired to be in her presence and to listen to her speak about her book and life.  Something dawned on me as I was driving home .  I seem to put famous people on pedestals.  I look at them as if they are super human and so different from myself, when in fact, we are all the same.  They are just like me and I am just like them.  We are all human, breathing in the same air with many of the same desires and interests.  I think taking this perspective is healthier than taking the judgmental route: judging myself because I feel less than them and then judging them because I feel like they are better than me.  It is actually pretty absurd, because every time I hear a famous person speak publicly after receiving an award, they all say the same thing:  “I was and I still am just a regular person who believed in my dreams and never gave up.”  So there it is.  NEVER GIVE UP.

I read a quote today from my #yogi tea bag that really spoke to me.  It read this: “The beauty of life is to experience yourself.”  I love that!  Thank you for that.

This daily writing has really helped me process everything and deal with it in a healthy way.  So thank you, whomever I am thanking, I thank you.  I feel blessed in this moment.

Cheers

Day 6

I miss Evan.  I miss his smell, his laugh, his kisses, his unconditional love, his voice.  I miss everything about him.  I wish he were here sleeping next to me.

He is my favorite person in the entire world and maybe one day, possibly in the near future or down the road aways, we will meet again.

Evan, you will always have a special place in my heart.  I miss you, I love you, and I wish you the utmost best.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Day 7

I am so sad.  I feel hopeless, yet hopeful at the same time.  Saying goodbye to my mom this morning, along with Sara and my favorite dog Nelli, was hard, and yet another reminder that it is just me.

At times of sorrow, like right now, going back to Evan seems like the only thing that will make me feel better.  If only it were that easy.  I wish it were.  Maybe it will be, eventually.  But right now, as I think about it, having to deal with him always coming and going and remembering how hard that is on the both of us, makes me think that maybe we did make the right decision.  It is just so hard to fully believe that because I feel like we are meant to be and being with his mom and brother this past weekend just re-confirmed that.  I love his family almost as much as I love him and visa versa with him and my family, I think. 😉  Gosh, that is what makes this so much fucking harder!!!

Day 8.

I feel numb.  I think it has really sunk in that Evan and I are breaking up, or did break up.  I think I was still hanging onto a thread of hope.  However, after the brief email exchange Evan and I had this morning, that thread of hope is dissolving right before my eyes, and now I am here, feeling a deep heaviness in my heart.  Being surrounded by his family this past weekend was more or less a tease.  I felt like Evan and I were still together, that none of the past two weeks had happened and all was well between us.  But now the reality is setting in, and that hope that once comforted me is gone and it may be time to let go.

October 8th

This is so surreal

sur·re·al

səˈrēəl/
adjective
having the qualities of surrealism; bizarre.
  1. “a surreal mix of fact and fantasy”
    Yep, I think that sums it up.  I feel like I am living in a fantasy world right now and I am waiting to arrive back to my real life.  But now, that so-called ‘real life’ of mine is shifting.  It will soon look and feel different and one day I will wake up to find that nothing has changed, but everything is different.  It scares me to death.  Evan will feel like a distant memory and the close and intimate relationship we once had will fade and it’s the most bizarre and sad feeling in the world.  It is crazy how fast change can occur… and all the while you are just trying to keep up.  At least I am.  I think I have lost track.  What seemed so real and solid is now turning into a mushy pile of liquid soup. It is so fucking weird and heavy on my heart.  I don’t know what to do but just be here in this moment.  Being anywhere else is too much and makes my head more busy than it already seems to be.  I wonder what he is doing and how he is feeling in this exact moment.  Is he thinking of me and does he feel this same heaviness in his heart?  What is going through his mind?  I wish I could just have a conversation with him.  Hear his voice and know that all will be well–  some way, some how.

October 9th.

I just want to laugh out loud.  The fact that my emotions are so hot and cold is almost comical.  One minute I feel like I could fill a puddle with my tears and the next I feel ‘blissed-out’ running in nature.   My emotions are so up and down that I can’t really take them seriously and rather than becoming frustrated with them, I am going to just laugh them off.

October 10th 2:04pm

I love this life that I live.  Sure, there are bumps in the road, but it is my choice how I perceive those bumps.  I can either perceive them as negative and a time of suffering or neutral and a time of growth and opportunity.  It is all about the perspective you choose to have.  This is so comforting because I realize that I have control over how I feel.  I can carefully select what I think and what I believe and depending on what I choose, I can live a life filled with peace, ease, and love or I could choose a life filled with confusion, anger, and/or disappointment.  It is such a beautiful thing!  It is my choice and in that is pure freedom.  Simple, yet oh! so beautiful.

My favorite teacher, Martha Beck, says, “Where your attention goes, your life goes.”  She shares a similar analogy as the one I am about to share.

Evan, being a professional kayaker, kayaks class five rapids and many of the rivers he paddles include rocks, trees, debris, etc. that can be very dangerous if he were to hit them.  So how does he manage to get down the river safe and sound, 95% of the time?  He focuses solely on the CLEAN and SAFE lines.  In life, it is much the same.  If I were to attach myself to every negative thought I had or any thought of the past or future, that tensed up my body or made me feel bad inside, I would probably lead a dangerous life for myself and for others.  However, if I observed a thought, just as Evan would observe a rock in the river, and then decide to re-direct my attention back to this moment, where there are no thoughts at all, or in Evans case, back to the safe line in front of him, then I would move through life or a river, gracefully and safely.  There would be no attachment to any thought or rock, per se, which means I wouldn’t  be effected by any thought or rock in the river.

I want to live like this.  I want to become more and more aware of my thoughts, so that when I notice a negative shift in my body, I will know that I am focusing on something I shouldn’t be focusing on.  If Evan were to begin focusing on a rock in the river, realizing that he was getting closer and closer to it, he would immediately focus his attention on a different part of the river, a better route, which would steer him to a safe and easy way of the river .  So although I may be babbling on, I just want to remind everyone, including myself, that life doesn’t have to be hard.  It can be easy and amazingly amazing, if we just realize that where our attention goes, our life goes.  It is ALL ABOUT the PERSPECTIVE you choose to have.  Change your thoughts, change your life.

October 12th 10:00pm

Today was a bit odd.  I was a tad hung over for the majority of the day and SUPER, SUPER lazy.  I did, however, get up and go watch the sunset, which was so remarkably beautiful.  It’s for moments like those that make me feel so happy inside.  The simplest things can bring me the most happiness.

So last night I went to a party for a friend and a bunch of our mutual friends were there (Evans and I’s).  I was a bit hesitant to go because I wasn’t sure how everyone was going to act around me.  Would they ask me questions, would they look at me differently now that I am no longer ‘Evan’s girlfriend’, would I feel accepted, etc.  But once I got there and had a drink in me, I realized that it was ALL in my head.  I was the only one judging myself and the situation, when no one else really cared.  So with that being said, I am really glad that I decided to go.  I had a great time and rather than being ‘Evan’s girlfriend’, I was just me and it was almost refreshing in a weird sort of way.  When Evan and I go out as a couple, I feel like I am so concerned with what he is doing that I am not fully present with myself.  Its like I am judging us both for what he is or isn’t doing or what I should or shouldn’t be doing that I forget to be there and have a good time.  A bit controlling? Ha, yes.  That I am.  But that’s why it was so good to just go hang out with everyone by myself.   I only had to take care of myself, no one else.  And the thing is, is when Evan I were together I felt like I had to control our relationship and now I don’t.  I am eager to see how we interact with one another as friends in a social setting.  We may thrive more as friends than as a couple.  Who knows.

October 13th 2013

9:46 am

As of lately, I have been over thinking everything that I write.  I wanted this to be a space where I wrote from an open and honest place.  However,  as of lately, I feel like I am slowly losing that and I am beginning to think more about what I write than just writing how I truly feel.  I am still very concerned about the opinions of others and it is distracting me from where I want to be writing from, my heart.

I just got back from a run along the Columbia River.  It is a nice morning, a little brisk, but very colorful and the air had a sense of freshness to it.  Winter will soon be upon us…

I find myself continually looking on Facebook to see if Evan has had any recent activity on his page.  I haven’t spoken to him in four days because he is out of service on remote rivers, which could possibly be a good thing.  It allows me to focus on myself, which I think is exactly what I need right now.  I just don’t want to become obsessed with checking Facebook because of Evan.  But, what can ya do?

It is getting closer to November and I am still not sure where I am going to live.  I think I may start packing some stuff this week to hopefully get the ball rolling.  I keep reminding myself to be present and stay clear from the busyness of my mind.  It has been super helpful, to just be in this moment, nowhere else but here.  I just hope that something comes up soon so I can feel a little better about it.

Okay well that’s it for now.  Until next time….

Sarah:)

October 14th 1:48pm

Gosh, my mind seems to be going 100 miles an hour today.  I just meditated and although it was a longer meditation than usual, I still feel like I have an extra busy mind today.  Its like I can’t keep up.  I have anxiety.  It isn’t the easiest thing to detach yourself from a negative thought pattern, especially when your emotions are already caught up in it.  I read somewhere that it takes 90 seconds for your mind to let go of any anger, anxiety, frustration etc. when you decide to change your mind and think about something else.  Those 90 seconds can seem like 90 hours.  Especially if your ego is holding onto you for dear life, telling you to not let go, but to throw yourself into all the negative thoughts and emotions.  It is so fucking annoying.  Yep, I said it.

Evan sent me an email yesterday and it basically said that he missed and loved me so much and even though he was in a beautiful place, he wasn’t happy without me.  I don’t want this to come off the wrong way, but I guess I kind of figured this would happen.  I feel like Evan puts all of his eggs in one basket.  Those eggs being kayaking.  So because he puts all of his happiness (kayaking) in one basket, hoping that he can be fulfilled by one particular thing, it doesn’t necessarily work out that way.  When we were together he kind of had the best of both worlds.  He could travel pretty frequently and have a loving relationship to support him and come home to.  Not that I was always supportive with him leaving so often, but none the less, I tried my best.  So now that he no longer has me as a best friend and lover, he may be realizing that kayaking may not fulfill him 100%.  I feel for him.  I feel for him in the deepest part of my heart.  He is such a passionate person and he loves kayaking with his whole heart, but I am afraid if he doesn’t take time to balance his life, disappointment and a sense of “something is missing” will be prominent in his life.  I hope that he finds that balance and begins to add other things into his basket, that also interest him.

October 15th

I don’t know what to write.  I want to write from my heart.  I had a weird morning and I couldn’t get myself out of the funk I was in, but now, thankfully, I feel better.  I meditated, went on a run and then spent thirty minutes just sitting in nature.  I watched the river flow, trees blow in the wind, and the Fall leaves slowly fall to the ground.  It was so beautiful.  I was thinking about nature and comparing it to my mind.  Nature doesn’t have to worry about where to live, who to impress, or what it shouldn’t or should do, it just is.

I was listening to Marianna Williamson yesterday talk about her new book, “The Law of Divine Compensation.”  She was speaking about the simplicity of life and how humans seem to complicate everything with their minds.  Think about this:  An embryo becomes a baby, an acorn becomes an oak tree, and a rose bud becomes a flower.  This all happens naturally.  There is no particular thing advising them along the way, making sure every detail is in order.  They are somehow already programmed to become a baby, an oak tree, and a flower.  It is magnificent.  I wish humans could be more like this.  But we struggle with the most simplest concept:  BEING.  Rather than embracing the natural flow of life, which essentially allows life to happen FOR us, we complicate EVERYTHING with the use of our minds.  We continually ask questions like: Why is this happening, how do I fix it, what if this particular something doesn’t work out and I am unhappy, and then we have all the ‘what ifs’, ‘should haves’, and worrisome thoughts, which end up fogging our ability to see how amazing this world and ourselves really are.  I mean seriously, look at nature.  It is so incredibly beautiful and thrives just by taking what it needs from the earth.  If we just paused for a second and listened to our inner voice and trusted it, we would understand that just being here, in this moment, away from all of our mind busyness, is the only way to live and truly be fulfilled.

I keep learning the same lessons in different forms to understand the same underlining principle: This moment is all there is.  Our thoughts of the past and future are JUST thoughts, they are not who we are.  And we have a choice.  We can choose to believe everything we think about or to not.  By deciding not to attach ourselves to the thoughts that make us ‘think’ we are a certain way, good or bad, allows us to come back to our true selves…back to this moment.  There, in this moment, there are no thoughts at all.  Imagine a river, which flows effortlessly, there isn’t a voice telling it how to flow or where to flow and it flows where it needs to go.  As humans however, we have a voice that can depict every detail of our life, making it challenging for us to accept the natural flow of life.  But by quieting that voice and coming back to our hearts center, by a practice, such as meditation, we are introduced to a new peace of mind, a quite mind, where life truly begins.  I have glimpses of those moments; like today when I was watching the river, and I just surrendered to everything I ‘thought’ was good or bad, right or wrong, and just appreciated the flow of the water and beautiful fall colors.  It was a perfect example for a ‘peace of mind’ moment.

If I can continue to practice mindfulness throughout my life, then I hope that one day, I will live in a peaceful and calm place within myself, and all the chaos and confusion surrounding me will no longer affect me.  What is that quote?  “Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world.  Same world.”

Where do you choose to live?

October 16th 10:48pm

I am in such a weird state.  I am super annoyed, yet trying to calm myself down at the same time.  Evan annoys me.  He just gets under my skin and it’s easy to point the finger at him, rather than at myself.  I hadn’t spoken to him for about five days and then today we had a conversation that left me super frustrated.  I would rather not talk to him; it seems.  Out of sight out of mind kind of deal.  Ahhhhhh.  I haven’t had this type of anxiety for a while and now, after speaking to him, my anxiety levels are sky rocketing.  It just makes me so mad that he is always on his own schedule.  I think it’s best if we just focus on ourselves right now and leave communication to a very minimum.  It doesn’t do anything but confuse us and frustrate the heck out of me.  I can’t even write because all I want to say is how annoyed I am at him!!!!!!!!!  Okay, I should be done.  Tomorrow will be better.  I just want to cry.  Why is this happening?  Cant it all just be okay?  Cant I just go on my merry way without having to deal with any of this!?  I just want to be happy.   That’s all.  And this isn’t making me happy, whatever ‘this’ is.

October 17th 8:30pm

I am so confused with everything- with Evan and I, I guess I should say.  I know it can all be very simple, but right now it seems to be the exact opposite.  I love him and miss him, but do I want to be with him?  Do we want the same things in life?  I don’t know. I want to be with someone who is on the same page as I am on.  Someone who values self-growth and spirituality and who loves themselves a tad more than they love me, in a very selfless way.  Someone who can take care of themselves in a healthy way and can be on their own, but marvels in sharing their life with someone special.  Someone who is romantic and likes to do fun and silly things together.  Someone who is close with their family and has a great relationship with his mom and/or dad.  Someone who has dreams and aspirations and is willing to take chances.  Someone that will fight for me and be there for me when I need them the most.  Someone who has their ‘own’ thing that keeps them ticking.  Someone who wants to have children and live on a bunch of land with horses and dogs.  😉  Someone who loves me for me and makes me feel good for who I am – in every way, shape, and form.  Someone who teaches me in soft, subtle, and loving ways.  Someone who inspires and supports me in life, where wherever I am at and wherever I may go.   Someone who enjoys a night out but isn’t big on heavy drinking and partying.  Someone who is spontaneous and likes to travel.  Someone who loves me for me,  just the way I am in this moment.   Someone who enjoys the outdoors, but also likes to dress up and have a fancy meal together.  Someone who is open to life in general.  Someone who makes my heart jump every time I see them and makes me feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world to have found this person to share my life with.  Someone who compliments who I am.  That is who I want to be with.I feel so sad and confused.  I don’t know what other words would describe how I feel right now.  I wish there was something that I could grasp onto; some type of stability.  My relationship with Evan and my living situation are so blurry right now.  I keep trying to bring myself back to this moment, but sometimes I just become so overwhelmed with it all.  And then I try to talk to Evan and all he says is,  “don’t worry it will all be okay,” and that just makes me angry.  Like thanks, but no thanks.  Thinking about the future gives me such bad anxiety and once I start thinking about the future the downward mind spiral begins.  I just need to breathe and just be with myself somewhere quiet and relaxing, away from everyone.

I had such a wonderful time at the coast yesterday.  Evan and I decided that it was best to end all communication and I felt like I needed to get away; spend some quality time by myself… away from all the familiarity.  He is just on his own page.  I don’t know how we dated for so long. How was able to handle that?  He was a great boyfriend, don’t get me wrong, but I just don’t know how I managed to be happy while he came and went on his own time-table.  Gosh, just thinking about it makes me angry.   I don’t want to write from an angry place though.  I don’t even realize how much it hurts until I begin writing about it.  It’s like I am so angry at him for everything.  I am pointing the finger at him and it may stay pointed in his direction for a little while.  Ahh. 

Anyways, I had a fabulous time at the beach.  I treated myself to a very nice dinner with an excellent desert and stayed at the cutest little cape cod style hotel.  I need to do things like that more often.  Taking time to do things for ‘me’ is so rewarding.  Tomorrow I am going to meet this guy I may live with and then I am going to look at a house in White Salmon, WA, which is just across the bridge from Hood River. I really hope one of the two places resonates with me because I am seriously cutting it close.  I have a week to pack and move the eff out of this place.  Gosh it will feel so good to be somewhere new!  I like this apartment but, because Evan and I lived here together, it just feels old and expired.  It is time to turn the page and start a new chapter.  I am ready!

October 26th 6:53pm

Hiiiiii ….. So I am pretty sure, well I am very sure, that I found a place to live!  And it is such an amazing place!! I am super excited about it.  There may be a few interesting situations, but I will figure them out when the time comes.  So, my plan is to do a little bit of packing today and then each day I will continue to pack a little more, until I start moving my things over to my new house. It’s so funny because now I am going to be living in the little town of White Salmon, Washington, with a population of 2,500 people. haha.  I remember,when I was younger, I thought I would never live in a town smaller than my home town of Bozeman, which was 40,000 people.  And then after living in L.A. for four years I thought the city life was for me.  Now I am here, where I least expected to be.  Its crazy… in a good way. 🙂

I have been doing pretty good these past couple of days.  I have been really focusing on the here and now.I have been tuning into myself more and more, which has helped with my constant mind chatter. It has been good, however, today I could feel my ego creeping back in, especially during meditation.

Okay, well I have a gluten-free and dairy free pizza (it tastes much better than it sounds) in the oven and a movie to watch.  I think everyone is going out for Halloween tonight but I guess I skipped that memo.  Oh well, pizza and a movie sounds better anyway!  🙂

October 28th

Goshhhhhhh…. This afternoon and evening were weird.  I still feel weird and sad.  I haven’t really spoke with Evan over the past five days or so, mainly because we decided to end communication for right now.  However, he did message me to let me know that he was going on a week-long river trip.  So we have messaged a few times, but its weird.  And today when I heard from him, he was very closed off and it was a very questionable email.  Then, I was going down his Facebook page (which I should stop doing) and saw that he became friends with this new girl and long story short I had this terrible feeling that he was talking to this girl, intimately.  It is crazy how my mind can take one thought and transform it into a real life, but made up story.  I felt sick to my stomach as I imagined him hanging out with another girl.  I got myself so worked up about this story, that the rest of the day and evening were so emotionally draining.  Now, I just feel numb.  Evan may or may not be hanging out with someone new, but for me to form this conclusion in my head, is not HEALTHY!  I think I will go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.

Oct 30th

I feel goooooood!  Although my apartment is currently in shambles and my new house is also in shambles, I feel good.  I don’t have a specific reason, but I just feel good in my body and mind.  I have a great family who supports and loves me, until the end of time, and I have a beautiful house to move into Once I clean up and organize it, it will look wonderful.

Happpyyyyy Halloweeeeeeen! Oct 31st

I am not sure what I feel like writing about right now, all I know is that I feel like writing.  I have packed up all of my things and tomorrow I will finish the move to my new place.  Crazy.  It is all crazy.

Okay I’m not going to beat around the bush.  Evan just messaged me on Facebook and I was not expecting to hear from him for a while.  I don’t want to respond.  I don’t really want to talk to him.  I am so over talking to him when its convenient for him.  It is always on his schedule and I don’t want it to be like that anymore.  I want to talk to him when I feel like talking to him and if I don’t want to talk to him, then I won’t.  I know this may be wrong and not coming from an honest and loving place within me, but I want him to feel just the slightest bit of what I feel right now and how I have felt our entire relationship.  I am always readily available for him when gets off the river and has service again, yet when I need him, he is nowhere to be found.  I guess that is what comes with a ‘long-distance’, perse,  relationship.  But I am over it.  I want to be unavailable for once.  Or not even that, but just be on my OWN schedule and not his.

On another note, I had a really great time last night with my friend Regan.  We had some really good talks and sipped on a few delicious martinis!  It is good to talk about everything with another person other than my mom or sis.  It is also good to get out and enjoy myself without having to worry about when I will hear from Evan or always wondering what he is doing.  It is nice to just do me.  Although, today while I was packing, I missed him.  I missed his presence. Gosh, I wish we were at the ‘friend zone’ and out of this weird and awkward stage.

It is just so hard when i get a message from him.  Ah, I just don’t want to deal with it.  I really don’t.  I am better off alone without any communication, at least for now.

November 2nd

Its wild… the difference between being happy and unhappy is as simple as turning the light switch from on to off and visa versa.  I was thinking how easy it would be for me to be unhappy right now.  The weather is super gloomy and rainy, I have my period and with that comes narly cramps and fragile emotions; my life is in boxes and I am living in two separate places right now.  Evan and I are still in this in between stage, which is just annoying, and I miss my family.  Jeez once I type it all out, being unhappy is almost inviting.  But I would rather not go down that road.  I have been down it one too many times to know that it will only bring me fear and anxiety.  So I will pass.  I will just be; just be me.  No story telling about how my life appears to be right now: in shambles. LOL.

Nov 9th

I feel mad and frustrated and like my life is in all up in the air all over again.  I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t feel secure.  I miss Evan like crazy and I am going crazy over missing him so much.  I just feel so sad.  How long is this sadness going to last for?  I guess I get waves of it and then the waters are calm for a few days and then BOOM! a big wave comes mobbing through.  I guess I just want to know that he is missing me too and feeling the same way as I do.  The thought of him not feeling the same breaks my heart to pieces.  I know I told him to leave me alone and then I deleted my Facebook, but I got to the point where I was just so over looking at his page and then waiting on him, all the freaking time!!!!  We were not on the same ‘page’ and by deleting my fb page, I thought it would give me the space to heal without any distractions.  But now, even though i don’t look at his page or wait on him anymore, I am still sad and hopeful that he will contact me.  But he hasn’t.  And maybe its a good thing.  I think time is what we need…. at least it is what I need.  I just get so mad when I think of him in pucon, chile kayaking and partying and not even thinking of what I am doing or where I am at.  I feel like I am just struggling and he isn’t.  it kills.

Sometimes I ask myself, “would talking to him make me feel better?” I don’t know.  I don’t know anything.   I just know that I miss him and it stings my eyes and heart when I think about him.  What is he doing? How is he feeling? Where is he and who is he hanging out with?  I am so out of the loop that there isn’t a loop anymore.

I mean this is what I wanted, a clean slate to create a happier life for myself.  So why is it so hard to commit to and follow through?  Is this normal?  I want to say I feel like we made a mistake, but we already are 6 weeks deep so we might as well ride it out.  I don’t know.

I just want to feel secure in my life, with where I am at and what I am doing, and I don’t.

With time, you will.  Patience Sarah,  patience. Not everything is going to fall into place exactly when you want it to.  It is all going to take time and you MUST be patient and kind to yourself.  Take it day by day and make each day the best you can.  Give it time and let yourself be for a second.  If you are sad be the saddest person in the world, if you are mad, same thing, feel whatever you are feeling, but then let it go.  Always come back to yourself and be grateful that you do love yourself enough to put your own happiness first.  BREATHE Sarah.  Just Breathe.

Having talks with myself like that make me feel better! 🙂

Nov 11th

I am going crazy…. omg.  I am just so torn inside.  I can’t stop looking at Evans Facebook page and then whenever I do I feel so shitty because he is commenting on other people’s face books and acting like he is fine and then all of these thoughts come into my head like, ‘he must be fine’ or ‘he doesn’t care about me’  and ‘maybe he met someone else’. They all make me feel so shitty about myself. And then tears come to my eyes, like right now. I deleted Facebook for a reason, yet I can’t stay off of it.  And the fact that Evan hasn’t said one thing to me since I told him to leave me alone, just makes me think that maybe he is okay and doing fine.  (I sound crazy, btw)  I keep asking myself, ‘what would it do if I knew that he was thinking of me and he was struggling without me?’ I guess it would make me feel better, because I wouldn’t be alone in feeling this.  I feel sad that we aren’t in one another’s lives anymore.  I feel scared and naked by myself. The thought of him not thinking of me or caring just kills me.  I want to cry.  But what if we were talking?  I would probably want to cry then too.  I would have to wait on him and still be in limbo mode, one foot in and one foot out, and I don’t want that either.  I think with time this will become easier.  I just wish I knew he was thinking of me and wasn’t completely over me, because I am thinking about him more than I want to be.  I guess it’s okay if I am the only one that feels lonely and sad as long as I let myself feel it and then let it go.  I am not going to die of heart-break, I am still living and breathing and have a good life.  Nope that ‘talk’ doesn’t help.

Nov 12th

I wish Evan love and happiness.  That is all I want for him.  I miss him, I do.  I am not going to hide from that, but I right now this is just how it is.  He is living his life and I am living mine.  It hurts my feelings that he didn’t email me back, but he is dealing with everything in his own way and I will respect that, I guess?  One day we will have a conversation about everything and feel some type of closure, at least that is what I hope for.  It is hard to think about him without knowing what he is going or how he feels.  But I don’t want to make up any more stories in my head that make me feel bad about myself.  I know he loved me dearly and he probably still does, so I will sit back and allow things to happen as they should.

Nov 17th

I don’t even know what to say.  I feel a little uncomfortable.  And maybe a little sad.  Yeah, definitely a little sad.  i didn’t have the best night last night.  Rather than just acting like myself, I put on a facade that wasn’t me.  I don’t like when I do that.  I would rather just be me 100% of the time, but once you add alcohol and ex boyfriends friends into the equation, shit gets weird.  I think I am going to take a break from hanging out with the kayak crew.  Although it is fun, its unhealthy for me right now.  It just reminds me too much of Evan and it really hurts.

Just when I think I am making progress I start to feel like I am paddling backwards – with my emotions I guess.  But I guess it’s only natural to feel the lows and highs during a break up.  I just wish I could talk to him.  I just miss him so much.  It hurts my heart.  I also feel like he doesn’t care the way I care.  I know he loves me, I mean I think he loves me, but he has a different way of showing it.  Why doesn’t he try to get in contact with me when he’s on the internet?  Why doesn’t he?  It makes me so sad.  I just want to talk to him and to have the feeling be reciprocated.

I just have to take care of myself.  That is my job right now; to make sure I am okay and happy.

NOV 18

AS MUCH AS I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, MAINLY BECAUSE IT BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES AND THE IDEA OF THINKING ABOUT HIM MAKES ME SICK, I WILL GIVE YOU SOME INSIGHT AS TO HOW I AM FEELING AND DEALING.

LAST NIGHT WAS HARD.  IT WAS HARD IN EVERY WAY THAT I CAN POSSIBLY EXPLAIN.  I FELT SICK.  I FELT LIKE MY HEART HAD COME DOWN WITH A REALLY BAD COLD, A DISEASE.  I COULDN’T STOP CRYING AND EVEN LYING DOWN ON MY BEAD, CUDDLING MY BLANKET DIDNT DO THE TRICK.  I JUST WANTED TO SCREAM AND CRY AND PUNCH SOMETHING, ALTHOUGH I DIDNT.  WELL I DID CRY, BUT THE SCREAMING AND PUNCHING NEVER CAME INTO PLAY.

I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY BUT THAT BREAK UPS SERIOUSLY SUCK.  I AM NOT GOING TO BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.  OF COURSE DOWN THE ROAD I WILL LOOK BACK AND BE ABLE TO CONNECT THE DOTS AND REALIZE THAT IT ALL HAPPENED FOR A REASON, BUT RIGHT NOW THAT ISN’T A VERY COMFORTING THOUGHT.  I JUST WANT TO BE HERE, IN MY SADNESS AND NUMBNESS. 

I HAD EXPECTED TO HEAR BACK FROM EVAN, AS I OPENED UP TO HIM AND MADE MYSELF COMPLETELY VULNERABLE IN AN EMAIL.  HOWEVER, I NEVER HEARD BACK, YET SAW HIM ONLINE.  IT WAS SUCH A PAINFUL FEELING; PUTTING YOURSELF OUT THERE ONLY TO BE REJECTED.  I GUESS COMMUNICATING VIA EMAIL CAN CAUSE MISUNDERSTANDINGS, SO I SHOULDN’T POINT THE FINGER TOO STRONGLY, BUT ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS THE FACT THAT HE LEFT ME HANGING.  I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY BUT I FEEL SO SAD AND MY ENERGY IS DEPLETED.  MAYBE THIS WILL HELP ME TAKE ONE STEP CLOSER TO SAYING GOOD BYE.

 Nov 23rd

I think this color seems fitting for today.  I woke up to the most beautiful sunrise.  It really astonishes me how beautiful nature is, simply by being.  I feel so humbled and content when I am amid nature.  It makes me feel like it is all worth it…

Anyways, I haven’t written in a couple of days.  I needed a break from talking about Evan and the situation we are in, or should I say, the situation that I am in.  It was too much to handle.  So now here I am, on a beautiful Saturday morning, feeling calm, peaceful, and mesmerized by the view of mount hood.  

I had an odd dream last night.  I dreamt that Evan had died kayaking.  I know that sounds so dramatic and awful. However, rather than turning the dream into something negative, I decided to make light of it and use it to symbolize something more meaningful in my life.  I believe that it was a form of saying goodbye…maybe it meant that saying a last goodbye is what I am ready for.  Or maybe the opposite…

It becomes easier as the days pass, but I still feel the slightest hope within me that we will get back together. Maybe the dream was letting me know that I am not ready to say good-bye just yet, as a life without Evan wouldn’t be a life I would like to live right now.  I don’t know.  I feel so removed from his life and visa versa.  I feel like I don’t even know who he is anymore.  Its weird, it is a very weird feeling.  

Aside from that though, I feel pretty good in my shoes.  I went horse back riding yesterday, or I just sat on Eva bare back for a while, but none-the-less it always feels good to be in her presence.  I don’t have a worry or care in the world when I am with her, it is just her and I.  It is so lovely and fulfills me from every facet.

Nov 30th

I spoke with Evan, or I have been speaking with Evan for the past couple of days.  They have been good conversations and I have felt refreshed after each conversation.  We haven’t spoken on the phone in over a month so all it has been is texting and emailing.  I really just want to see his face and have an actual conversation with him.  There is so much that can be misconstrued when communicating via email and Facebook.  I assume one thing and he assumes another and then we are both on two different pages and it only confuses the both of us.  I don’t know what is going to happen between us but I think the anger and resentment has subsided and I am ready to talk as friends and start over.  I don’t necessarily know what starting over looks like, or feels like, but I think a conversation will help clarify that.  I still love him and I miss him a lot, but that doesn’t mean that getting back together is what I want.  Regardless of what we decide, I want my friends and family to support me.  I am judging myself because when I was mad and hurt I said some things to them about Evan that I didn’t really mean, and now that I feel differently, I am afraid that others will have their own pre-judgments and opinions of what they think I should do. And at the end of the day all I need from them is their love and support, for whatever I do decide to do.  I don’t even know what that is…and I may be getting far too ahead of myself.  

DAY BY DAY, Sarah.  Day by day.

December something or other

I feel a little uneasy.  I think, or I know, it has to do with Evan.  It seems like we have gone too far to get back together.  I feel a sense of weirdness around the entire situation. it is being forced?  I just want to be honest with how I feel.  I love him and miss him, but is getting back together what I want?  I don’t know.  The thought of not being with him also scares me.  I want us to be on the same page.  I don’t want to spend hours wasting away waiting on him, it has got to stop.  I have to live my life without always having him in the back of my mind.  I seriously check my Facebook way too many times a day.  It’s crazy.  I have OCD when it comes to us talking.  I just want to be happy and I want the same for him.  I feel so foggy.  

Gosh sometimes I get so lost in my mind chatter that I can’t see or feel clearly.  It is insane.  I wish he were here and we could have a conversation face to face.  That would give us, or me, the clarity I am searching for.

December 8th 2013

Wowzers.  I can’t believe that it is almost christmas.  Time flies.  I know everyone uses that expression but it is true.  One minute it is September and the next it is December.  Maybe it seems like time has flown by because of all of the events that have taken place in the past 2+ months.  Actually, when you think of it like that it seems like September was a lifetime ago.  Regardless, I can’t believe that christmas is upon us once again.  I love Christmas!  The smell of the christmas tree, the songs, the memories, the lights and decorations, everything about christmas makes me happy. 🙂

I am not sure how i feel right now about Evan and I.  It is a little bittersweet I guess.  We have decided that we made the right decision by parting ways, as he will be traveling more and more and I don’t want to be with someone who I only see 50% of the time.  Although I love him and miss him everyday, I know that we have made the right decision. 

Break ups are weird.  They are their own entity.  One minute you feel angry and never want to speak to your ex-partner again and then the next you want to get back together…and then one minute you may  feel sad and confused, but then realize that it is all for the better.  Yet, no matter what, there seems to be this lingering of hope that holds on for dear life. There are not any certainties in break ups, you just have to take it as it comes and then act accordingly.

 

recap3

RECAP:  Break-up REMIX

August 18th, 2014

You know what’s crazy? How a song can make you feel… How it can take you back to how you felt months ago, to that one particular feeling that you were experiencing. You can pin point where you were sitting, what you were doing, and how you were feeling, and it all makes you want to throw up- at least in my case it does.

Listening to this song, takes me back to a very vulnerable and broken place. It seems like a life time ago, although it was only eleven months, that Evan and I broke up, which again, seems insanely crazy because I feel like a different person now. It is WILD what heartbreak can break you open to.

It has been nine months since my last blog post, and now, this is me writing from a completely different place from where I was last December. I want to cry happy tears, as I embrace who I am today and remember who I was nine months ago.

I think this break-up was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not in a way that makes me regret my relationship, not in that way at all, but in a way that opened up my eyes to see a new version of myself. This break-up broke me open, and although it was scary, sad, and at times unbearable, it provided me with a new set of tools. Tools to use and play with to build a new style of living.

At times, amid heart break, it can feel like there is no end in sight, like there is no way out of the brokenness, but I am here to remind you that there is! It is right there, just outside the bubble of despair. But you know what? The bubble of despair is just as important as the joy and freedom right outside of it.

As I listen to this song, and it reminds me of where I was last winter, I get a weird sense of comfort; I feel almost thankful for the dark and gloomy days, because they allowed me to grow, deepen my spiritual practice, and plant new roots. Heartbreak is weird. It is all consuming and emotionally draining. It feels like it takes it all out of us, yet it also welcomes new life and encourages us to step outside of our bubble of despair and smell the new roses just outside of our sadness.

This heartbreak has opened me up to see a different part of myself. It cracked me open and asked me to find my own way; a new way and a new path- for me, not for anyone else, but for me.

So although I will probably always miss what was, and wonder what may be, I have finally reached a place where I feel thankful and okay with all that has happened. It has come and gone, and although it caused a few wounds, those wounds are now a part of my story. They are a part of me and contribute to the person I am today. And now I can look at them, finally, and feel love, empathy, and open arms toward them.

I guess that is what life is all about. Becoming wounded, taking the time to heal, and then once we are healed, thanking life for yet another experience which helped and encouraged us to grow and shed another leaf. I know from my personal experience, this heartbreak led me to a deeper part of myself, a part of me who is more loving and soft with the world. If nothing else, I thank you, heartbreak, and every one else who has been a part of my journey this last year. It has all had its purpose and allowed me to become the person I am today. And this person I wouldn’t trade the world for!

2 thoughts on “Heart-Break Diary

  1. Pingback: HEART-BREAK remix: A heart-break that BROKE me OPEN | THELOVE4HAPPINESS

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