The Drought was the VERY worst…

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My eyes water as I write these words…

The drought was the very worst, when the flowers we’d grown together died of thirst…. T. Swift

 How does one say goodbye to someone who they love with their whole heart?  I think this is one of the hardest decisions I’ve one: ever made, and two: decided to stick with.  I keep thinking to myself that maybe it would be easier if he gave me a reason to say goodbye, i.e. he cheated on me, he was a significant asshole, or he just wasn’t the one for me.  But I don’t have that luxury.  It was a “bad timing” kind of deal.  And maybe that wouldn’t make it easier, but it’s a nice thought as I am in the midst of missing him or when I think I’m making a terrible mistake.

I didn’t think it would be this hard, the second or third time around.  The first time we broke up, I still had this string of hope, as I used to call it, that gave me hope we would work it out and get back together.  That string of hope is now slowly fading.  I don’t know if I will ever be able to go back if I make it through these heart wrenching days.  And I wonder, am I just being a cry baby?  Do I just need to suck it up and move on.  A part of me thinks so, yes… yet here I am-letting it all go on my blog…

I don’t know what else to say, but that I hope tomorrow is better and the day after that, and the day after that.  I have really good days and then days like this, where I feel so utterly sad because I miss the love of my life so much.  I guess thats a part of it.

With love,

S

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HEART-BREAK remix: A heart-break that BROKE me OPEN

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RECAP:  Break-up REMIX

 

August 18th, 2014

You know what’s crazy? How a song can make you feel… How it can take you back to how you felt months ago, to that one particular feeling that you were experiencing. You can pin point where you were, what you were doing, and how you were feeling, and it all makes you want to throw up- at least in my case it does.

Listening to this song, takes me back to a very vulnerable and broken place. It seems like a life time ago, although it was only eleven months, that Evan and I broke up, which again, seems insanely crazy because I feel like a different person now. It is WILD what heartbreak can break you open to.

It has been nine months since my last blog post, and now, this is me writing from a completely different place from where I was last December. I want to cry happy tears, as I embrace who I am today and remember who I was nine months ago.

I think this break-up was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not in a way that makes me regret my relationship, not in that way at all, but in a way that opened up my eyes to see a new version of myself. This break-up broke me open, and although it was scary, sad, and at times unbearable, it provided me with a new set of tools. Tools to use and play with to build a new style of living.

At times, amid heart break, it can feel like there is no end in sight, like there is no way out of the brokenness, but I am here to remind you that there is! It is right there, just outside the bubble of despair. But you know what? The bubble of despair is just as important as the joy and freedom right outside of it.

As I listen to this song, and it reminds me of where I was last winter, I get a weird sense of comfort; I feel almost thankful for the dark and gloomy days, because they allowed me to grow, deepen my spiritual practice, and plant new roots. Heartbreak is weird. It is all consuming and emotionally draining. It feels like it takes it all out of us, yet it also welcomes new life and encourages us to step outside of our bubble of despair and smell the new roses just outside of our sadness.

This heartbreak has opened me up to see a different part of myself. It cracked me open and asked me to find my own way; a new way and a new path- for me, not for anyone else, but for me.

So although I will probably always miss what was, and wonder what may be, I have finally reached a place where I feel thankful and okay with all that has happened. It has come and gone, and although it caused a few wounds, those wounds are now a part of my story. They are a part of me and contribute to the person I am today. And now I can look at them, finally, and feel love, empathy, and open arms toward them.

I guess that is what life is all about. Becoming wounded, taking the time to heal, and then once we are healed, thanking life for yet another experience which helped and encouraged us to grow and shed another leaf. I know from my personal experience, this heartbreak led me to a deeper part of myself, a part of me who is more loving and soft with the world. If nothing else, I thank you, heartbreak, and every one else who has been a part of my journey this last year. It has all had its purpose and allowed me to become the person I am today. And this person I wouldn’t trade the world for!

Amid Heart-Ache, Let it #FLOW

This is perfect for how I am feeling right now. Although amid heart-ache, I feel okay.

This is what is happening and resisting it only makes me feel worse.

I wish to accept how things are and trust that all will be well.

Why?

Because that’s the only thing that keeps me alive and going. 

There are always flowers around for those who want to see them.

#perspective

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Saying Goodbye … For The Last Time … I Hope

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I don’t know about any of you, but saying good-bye to someone you love, who may or may not be the right one for you at this time in your life, can be one of the hardest decisions to make.  Making the decision is one thing, but then sticking to it is another.  I think we all reach a point where saying ‘goodbye is the only solution that will keep us sane and keep us, US.

I think, or I hope, that I have reached that point.  The in-between and back and forth stages of losing hope and then having hope again, is becoming far too heavy on my heart.  I want to say goodbye and start to live a life for ME and not for what was or what could be.

I want this to be the last goodbye…

This quote seems appropriate … 

“The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development. I used to

say, “If you will take care of me, I will take care of you. “Now I say, I will take care of me

for you, if you will take care of you for me.”

― Jim Rohn