RECAP: Break-up REMIX
August 18th, 2014
You know what’s crazy? How a song can make you feel… How it can take you back to how you felt months ago, to that one particular feeling that you were experiencing. You can pin point where you were, what you were doing, and how you were feeling, and it all makes you want to throw up- at least in my case it does.
Listening to this song, takes me back to a very vulnerable and broken place. It seems like a life time ago, although it was only eleven months, that Evan and I broke up, which again, seems insanely crazy because I feel like a different person now. It is WILD what heartbreak can break you open to.
It has been nine months since my last blog post, and now, this is me writing from a completely different place from where I was last December. I want to cry happy tears, as I embrace who I am today and remember who I was nine months ago.
I think this break-up was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not in a way that makes me regret my relationship, not in that way at all, but in a way that opened up my eyes to see a new version of myself. This break-up broke me open, and although it was scary, sad, and at times unbearable, it provided me with a new set of tools. Tools to use and play with to build a new style of living.
At times, amid heart break, it can feel like there is no end in sight, like there is no way out of the brokenness, but I am here to remind you that there is! It is right there, just outside the bubble of despair. But you know what? The bubble of despair is just as important as the joy and freedom right outside of it.
As I listen to this song, and it reminds me of where I was last winter, I get a weird sense of comfort; I feel almost thankful for the dark and gloomy days, because they allowed me to grow, deepen my spiritual practice, and plant new roots. Heartbreak is weird. It is all consuming and emotionally draining. It feels like it takes it all out of us, yet it also welcomes new life and encourages us to step outside of our bubble of despair and smell the new roses just outside of our sadness.
This heartbreak has opened me up to see a different part of myself. It cracked me open and asked me to find my own way; a new way and a new path- for me, not for anyone else, but for me.
So although I will probably always miss what was, and wonder what may be, I have finally reached a place where I feel thankful and okay with all that has happened. It has come and gone, and although it caused a few wounds, those wounds are now a part of my story. They are a part of me and contribute to the person I am today. And now I can look at them, finally, and feel love, empathy, and open arms toward them.
I guess that is what life is all about. Becoming wounded, taking the time to heal, and then once we are healed, thanking life for yet another experience which helped and encouraged us to grow and shed another leaf. I know from my personal experience, this heartbreak led me to a deeper part of myself, a part of me who is more loving and soft with the world. If nothing else, I thank you, heartbreak, and every one else who has been a part of my journey this last year. It has all had its purpose and allowed me to become the person I am today. And this person I wouldn’t trade the world for!
Wow! Well this is CRAZYYY!
I completely forgot that I wrote a blog post a couple of months ago, regarding this next blog, that I am about to share with you. It wasn’t until I lived through a unique sequence of events, that I realized I had already written a blog about my travel intentions.
And now there is so much JUICY news to share!
To summarize the blog post (that I wrote back in April), it explored an overwhelming feeling to travel and #EXPLORE. And not just anywhere, but somewhere tropical. I had my own sense of #ISLANDFEVER. I didn’t know where it was coming from. Was I meant to travel, or not? And what was the meaning behind it all? I didn’t know. All I knew was that I was experiencing a strong sense to travel, which then moved me to write THIS (click to read previous blog post).
There were a series of events that occurred after I wrote ⇡ blog post. I can’t pin point the exact dates of each event, but it was roughly 2 weeks after I wrote the first blog.
It must have been in the beginning of April when the first event took place. My roommate had an Outside Magazine lying around the house, normally this magazine wouldn’t catch my eye, however, the cover was titled ‘20 Best Trips’. This intrigued me.
I browsed through the magazine, seeing if anything resonated with me. Nothing did. I let it be.
A couple of days later, I was in a friend’s car and this SAME magazine was sitting on his dashboard. “Weird,” I thought. I took another browse through the magazine, but again, nothing resonated. I let it be.
It must have been a week later, when I was on my way to visit my sister in San Diego, and as I was walking off the airplane, I glanced over my shoulder to see a man reading the SAME magazine.
At this point, I was like, okay there is something happening here. I didn’t know what it was, but I went to buy this magazine for the sole purpose of feeling like I should have it in my possession.
I got off the plane, went to the nearest newsstand, and purchased the magazine. Again, I browsed through it, seeing if this time around something popped out at me. Still nothing.
Then, as I was sitting at the gate, waiting to depart, a question subtly arose: “I wonder where the cover of this magazine was shot?” I thought to myself.
Here is the cover:
It was somewhere tropical and looked like my kind of place!
It was too late to call Outside Magazine, as their offices had closed for the day. So, I let it be.
On April 23rd, my Birthday, I went to a local coffee shop to do some writing, and as I reached for my computer, I noticed that I had had the Outside magazine in my backpack. I took it out, pondered the cover for a second, and then decided to call Outside Magazine to see where they shot the cover of their April 2014 issue.
Drum roll please….. Palawan.
As I began researching Palawan, I soon realized that it was an island in the Phillippines, which excited me, as I could picture myself possibly traveling to this beautiful and remote #ISLAND. I mean why else had I been led to this magazine!? ☺
I let this idea swarm through my mind for about a month.
I was pretty excited about the prospect of traveling to Palawan, however, I decided to be open to any other ideas that may come my way. I didn’t want to close the door on Palawan, but I also didn’t want to be closed off to any other possibilities.
One morning after I meditated, I set an #INTENTION for the day: To be open to receive a sign from the Universe. Palawan wasn’t even on my mind when I made this intention. I just wanted to be available to any sign that the Universe may be trying to show me.
Soon after that, I headed to the coffee shop. As I was talking to the barista, a man behind me began talking with me. Long story short, I ended up telling him that I wanted to travel and that I was thinking of going to an Island in the Philippines, but that I was waiting for a sign. He then told me that he had a friend who ran an orphanage in the Philippines. I asked where and he said ….. PALAWAN!
Mind you, I live in a town the size of only 2,000 people, so the chances of this happening, are very slim!
After conversing with this man for a bit, I remember thinking: if this isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is. I could wonder, going back and forth in my head, if this is yet a #TRUE sign and if I should perhaps wait for another one to come, just to make triple sure. Or I could notice how I feel in my body when I ask myself a question that pertains to Palawan. How does it feel when I think about traveling to Palawan? I get a warm and excited feeling in my heart space. Almost a knowing feeling; A feeling that tells me that Palawan is where I am supposed to go. It feels scary for sure, but it doesn’t make me want to crawl out of my skin.
So with that being said, I will trust in that feeling and a little in the unknown, as scary as that may be, and I will follow that straight to Palawan, Philippines.
I am in such awe that life magically steers us into directions we once never thought imaginable.
We truly do live in a MAGICAL WORLD!!!!!
I am set to go to Palawan at the end of October. If you have any suggestions, PLEASE feel free to email me and give me your two cents. 😉
With Love and CURIOUSITY,
Something happened yesterday, something wonderful, scary, and interesting. I went over to my friend Lea’s house to go horse back riding. I remember trying to calm my nerves as I was driving up her drive way. I wanted to have a great horse experience today, an experience which included actually getting on the horse. I have worked with Lea and her horses for the past six months, and although I have ridden horses many times before meeting Lea, these past six months have been completely different. Long story short, I had to let go of what I thought I knew about horses in order to understand them and myself on a completely new level. Each week I went to Lea’s and spent time with the horses, the experience almost always corresponded with how I was feeling on a personal level. It was like the horse mirrored whatever I was feeling at that particular time in my life, which is why yesterdays experience was so profound.
Over the course of the past couple of months, I have learned a vast amount about myself and horses have played a significant part in that. I didn’t realize how much of my time I was wasting on the thoughts and opinions of others. I actually wasn’t aware of it at all. I was trapped by ‘dogma’, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. I was allowing the noise of other’s opinions to drown out my own inner voice. I still struggle with this. However, by spending time with horses I have slowly developed a higher sense of self-awareness.
Horses have this unique ability to mirror whatever energy you may be omitting around them. If you are scared they will soon mirror your fear and also become scared. They will reveal to you your true colors, whether you like what you see or not.
For many weeks my experiences with the horses seemed to always disappoint me. Why couldn’t I make a connection with one of them? Why didn’t they want to befriend me? Looking back it makes me laugh a little, because now I am able to connect the dots. The energy that I was omitting wasn’t pure or honest with how I felt in that moment. I was yet again, caught up in the rapid chatter of my mind; concerned more about how I should act around the horses and how they were perceiving me, than I was with my own feelings. Subsequently, I couldn’t connect with the horse. None the less, each visit taught me something valuable and led me to where I am today.
By now you are probably wondering why yesterday was such a memorable and meaningful horse experience for me. Well, as I said earlier, upon arriving to Lea’s, I was pretty nervous. Although I repeatedly tried to remind myself to be present, by bringing myself back to my body, listening to it and my surroundings, moment by moment, I was still not succeeding. Then something interesting happened. I began shaking. This shake used to be very familiar to me. It was a nervous shake that I would get around a guy I dated years ago. So when this happened, I was a little shocked and surprised. Why on earth was I having the same shakes around Eva as I did with a past-lover? One word: EXPECTATIONS. Proceeding Lea’s, I had formed an expectation in my mind of how I wanted to experience that day. I was so fixated on that expectation, that when my nerves got the best of me and my ‘expectation of the day’ wasn’t matching the idea in my head, I began nervously shaking. By the time this happened, I was ready to give in my reins and call it day. I was putting SO MUCH pressure on myself to fulfill this fabricated illusion that I had formed in my mind, that I forgot to just be and have fun.
I forget what happened next, but I vividly remember Lea reminding me to stop being so hard on myself and get OUT of my head! It was at that juncture that I decided to get on Eva and hope for the best.
I think the decision to get on her, despite what my mind was telling me to do (don’t get on, just give up), allowed me to let go and surrender to whatever may be. And soon after that, something shifted inside of me and in Eva. The fear and nervousness I once felt was replaced with confidence and self-trust. It was magical. That once fearless ‘Sarah’ came out of the woodworks and it was in that moment that I began to enjoy myself. I felt Eva beginning to enjoy herself as well. Facing my fears head on, allowed them to disappear.
The most eye-opening, jaw dropping, and inspiring part of the entire experience was witnessing the same shift I felt, in Eva. She began to mirror me, but this time in a way I never thought possible. It brings me such joy just writing about it. As I began to trust myself, she began to trust me, as I became calm, she did too. If I wanted to walk, so did she. She looked to me for confidence and I was able to provide that for her. One of my favorite teachers and horse whisperers, Koelle Simpson, introduced me to this new concept of staying in our own business. There were moments on the ride where Eva began to get excited, as she witnessed the other horses in the herd galloping and acting playfully on the opposite side of the fence. Prior to this experience, I probably would have gotten off Eva and walked her, but instead, I remained calm and composed and stayed in MY BUSINESS. Eva is easily influenced by her environment, especially when there is a lot of commotion going on around her. If I were to get tangled up in her excitement, I may have lost control and ended up on the ground. However, I was confident. I knew she would look to me for reassurance that she was going to be fine, walking on the path, without the rest of her herd. It took about a minute or less for her to respond to my energy, but when she did she became calm and collected.
Staying in our own business is a helpful life tool to use whether we are spending time with horses or not. So many of us can become tangled up in others emotions, reactions, thoughts, etc, that we lose track of ourselves and our own voice. This entire experience with Eva has helped me realize just that. If someone acts out towards me with their anger, sadness, frustration, or a mixture of both, I now realize that their emotions have nothing to do with me, and if I stay in my own business, I will not be effected negatively by their so-called ‘stuff’.
Eva has taught me a tremendous amount about myself over the past eight months. Spending time with her has developed my entire sense of self-awareness, as I am always reminded to be in the present moment. That is where she lives, and if I want to create a relationship with her, that is where I have to live as well. It is so inspiring to know that Eva, a horse, can help me grow as an individual and become a better person and horseman. I am beyond grateful for this experience and for Eva. So, I thank you Eva, for being you. It has been a great ride and I look forward to our future together.
I am not really sure where to start. But let’s just start here: As I was talking to a co-worker the other day, explaining to her my current romantic situation, she told me what I already knew and what everyone else had been telling me as well: Move on and stop hanging out with your Ex.
This advice has been like a broken record for the past couple of weeks, so when she told me this, I replied with: “YES I know, believe me I am so aware of the situation it’s almost embarrassing, but you know what? We all LIVE and we all LEARN and that is exactly what I am doing right now.”
Isn’t that what life is all about anyways!? Living and learning?
I think there is a fine line, between repeating the same old habits over and over again, and living through them a couple of times before realizing that that specific life choice is not adding anything to your table, but only taking away what is good and leaving behind what is old and moldy.
But what is that fine line? Where is it drawn?
I would like to believe that the choices I have made regarding Evans and my post break-up, have led me to greater lands and that this too will do the same.
I think that we all know, deep down, the breaking point where a decision needs to be made; Whether we will keep eating the same old and moldy food, which by the way is not nutritious whatsoever, or throw out the old, make a trip to the grocery store, and serve ourselves a delicious and FRESH meal.
The part of the equation where we tend to get lost, is when we are faced at that crossroad and we decide (over and over again) that eating old and moldy food for days on end, is in fact good for us. We lose track of what ‘good’ tastes like, and settle for really gross tasting food.
This could be anything from an unhealthy relationship, an uninspiring and draining job, exhausting friendships, etc. At what point do we settle for a mediocre life and think: this is it.
I don’t think I am at that place yet, gosh at least I hope I’m not. I think there have been days where I have definitely eaten some moldy food, by not taking the time for myself or listening to my heart, in particular moments. Those moments didn’t feel good. They hurt my heart. However, I think that making those choices, to eat moldy food, a couple of times, is a part of life.
Although I am not eating moldy food every day (hanging out with Evan), I know that continuing to hang out with Evan automatically leaves dirty food on the table. However, by checking in with myself, trying to remain as true to myself as I possibly can, and listening to that voice I call my soul, there still seems to be fresh food on the table.
But that too is settling.
We can all live great lives that make us feel GOOD. I know it, I believe it, and I will BE IT.
However, sometimes, I also think that we just need to live and learn a little.
I trust that I will know when to stop participating in this love game and get back to my roots, myself, or whatever that is which makes my heart tick.
Because let’s be real here, I have dedicated so much of my time to become the person I am today, that I will not just throw it all away for one repetitive decision, which causes more suffering than happiness.
I will let go. I just don’t know when.
SIDE NOTE: Evan will always be a close friend of mine. This was yet another stage of our relationship. This blog post was not meant to harm his feelings, but to share mine. It is not a representation of who he is, but simply an expression of how I felt at a specific time in our post break-up relationship. He is a wonderful being and I wish him the utmost best, wherever life decides to take him.
To be continued …
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As I try to sit and #write from an authentic place within myself, my mind keeps interrupting and steering me off into weird territories! I feel pressured to write, which feels very uncomfortable in my #body. I began to journal about this weird feeling, just to clear the air a bit, but I only became more confused as to why I felt this way. And then I saw this quote, and suddenly, I felt much better.