Please don’t throw people you love out because things don’t go the way you want.
If you ever deeply loved someone, you always will. That can’t change or die….it can simply get covered up by pain. The only way to not return to the love is to never heal. You are bigger than that.
Remember all the sweet times you had together. Don’t be afraid to feel this again. Think of all the things you learned with them and all the ways you grew as a result. Recognize how much richer your life has been because of them, and how indelibly they helped shape your evolution. Focus here.
Tell this story.
The neat thing about pain is, it ends. But the lessons learned continue on. If you do the work to process what you need to, the hurt is temporary, and the gifts are lasting. What a beautiful evolutionary bias to existence!
So process what you need to, let the pain go, and honor the beauty.
Notice how much more whole you feel when you do. And how much better you like who you’re being.
If you were taking your last breaths…or they were taking theirs….notice what remains in you. When you don’t have time for anything non-essential, notice how only love and gratitude arise. That is what really matters to you…what is real and important to you….when you don’t falsely believe that you have time to dwell and get stuck in the unimportant.
Everyone I have ever loved, I still do, as deeply as ever. It couldn’t be any other way. They shaped my heart. I learned what I know of love with them.
How we relate on the outside my have changed. What happens in my heart with them never will.
If a woman has felt safe enough with me and deemed me worthy to open her heart and her body to me….I feel forever indebted. If she ever needs anything, and I can give it, I will. It wouldn’t feel right to me any other way.
As hard as I work at doing good, I simply don’t believe any act truly warrants that kind of beauty, the gift of someone’s heart…so the only reasonable response for me is to feel overwhelmingly blessed.
There are three of my past relationships where we are not still actively close, because they requested that of me….and I actively miss them. And still nothing has changed in my heart; it still swells when I think of them.
This doesn’t mean I think we should be together romantically or sexually again…that might not be what’s in everyone’s highest good…which is what love wants for.
But I remember those times….where I felt I could die happy and complete…. Mostly, it means that I know her. Even though she may have grown and changed…I saw her deeply enough at one time to see what is essential…to see her goodness, her uniqueness, her spark, and know that there is absolutely no one like her.
I loved her because I saw the beauty of her nature…. That will never change.
When I think of the relationships I’ve had, I feel unreasonably fortunate. Not because I’ve never been cheated on or lied to or left. Of course I have. And for a time it was devastating. And as soon as clarity reemerged, I knew I would sign up for it again a thousand times over.
If she had been clearer and better resourced, she would have treated me better. I have no doubt about this. We both have loving hearts, love being the cause of someone else’s happiness, and have only acted hurtfully when we were confused, hurting, or disconnected. So how upset and resentful do I want to stay over someone loving me the best they could with all they had going on inside?
So work to let it go. Don’t feed the resentment story. Or any story that causes or comes from pain.
And you’ll stay centered in your own heart, living your values congruently, and choosing your reality consciously.
That is the only real safety.
“Nothing can shatter this love, for even if you were to take another into your arms my dear, you would still be kissing me.” ~Rumi
P.S. A relationship structure (being with this person, this way) is a strategy to meet needs: belonging, connection, security, etc. Love wants for the needs of the other, because love supports happiness. As such, love wants that strategy, as long as it is truly what supports happiness the best. If that should change, love wants for the other what they most want for themselves.
I have never vowed to a relationship structure till death do us part….because I care about happiness and love and truth more than structures…and I know I cant predict the future that well. I think that is a better intention if its arising for both people, than it is a vow.
Here is the lifetime vow that I have made, and feel is honest and I can keep: “I vow to see you, and love you, and honor you, and care about you forever….and to relate with you in whatever ways truly serve the highest good.” As long as being with me supports your greatest happiness, we will be together. If things should change and something else would support your happiness better, then I want that. And Im still keeping the vow.
From this view, there is no such thing as a break up. Only a transition of how we love, as needed.
Note: This was shared to me by a friend, which was shared to her by a friend. The Author I am unaware of, however, my heart said to post it!
What an amazing discovery to learn and experience. Although I am in the midst of it, I am slowly realizing, after time and time again of pointing the finger outward and blaming others for my suffering, that no one can disturb the inner ball of peace that resides within me.
Sure, it may seem like they can. Especially when their actions speak mountains louder than their words, or they don’t text or call me back when I assumed they would, or they leave me hanging without saying good-bye. But does any amount of suffering change the reality of the situation? Does it change them or their actions? In my experience, no. But do you know what it does effect? My happiness.
I am ready to surrender. I put up a good fight- the best fight in my egos eyes. But for what? To feel like shit over and over again?
I don’t want to suffer because of someone else. I don’t want to point the finger at another being because I don’t agree with how he or she is living or treating me. What do I know? How do I know that their way of living isn’t true for them? I don’t. And who is living my life when I am constantly concerned with their where a bouts? Who is taking care of me when I am over there worried about their life? Nobody. I am too busy trying to live their life for them, that I forget about me and my life. How exhausting.
So here I lay, waiting for the fog to clear the morning air. I feel calm. I feel a new self emerging and another dying. This new self feels like it has just been born. It is still unsure of how to go about things and what to make of this new life, but it is alive and well. I feel hopeful.
I am sick of fighting something or someone who I have no control over. I want to be happy and free. Waking up this morning, I remembered what I repeated to myself last night before I went to bed: I choose PEACE. And when a certain situation frazzled my social self this morning, I remembered that I have a choice: I can become angry and fall into the hamster wheel of madness, because a certain situation didn’t play out how I would’ve liked it to, or I can choose PEACE.
I choose PEACE. The rest is beyond me…
RECAP: Break-up REMIX
August 18th, 2014
You know what’s crazy? How a song can make you feel… How it can take you back to how you felt months ago, to that one particular feeling that you were experiencing. You can pin point where you were, what you were doing, and how you were feeling, and it all makes you want to throw up- at least in my case it does.
Listening to this song, takes me back to a very vulnerable and broken place. It seems like a life time ago, although it was only eleven months, that Evan and I broke up, which again, seems insanely crazy because I feel like a different person now. It is WILD what heartbreak can break you open to.
It has been nine months since my last blog post, and now, this is me writing from a completely different place from where I was last December. I want to cry happy tears, as I embrace who I am today and remember who I was nine months ago.
I think this break-up was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not in a way that makes me regret my relationship, not in that way at all, but in a way that opened up my eyes to see a new version of myself. This break-up broke me open, and although it was scary, sad, and at times unbearable, it provided me with a new set of tools. Tools to use and play with to build a new style of living.
At times, amid heart break, it can feel like there is no end in sight, like there is no way out of the brokenness, but I am here to remind you that there is! It is right there, just outside the bubble of despair. But you know what? The bubble of despair is just as important as the joy and freedom right outside of it.
As I listen to this song, and it reminds me of where I was last winter, I get a weird sense of comfort; I feel almost thankful for the dark and gloomy days, because they allowed me to grow, deepen my spiritual practice, and plant new roots. Heartbreak is weird. It is all consuming and emotionally draining. It feels like it takes it all out of us, yet it also welcomes new life and encourages us to step outside of our bubble of despair and smell the new roses just outside of our sadness.
This heartbreak has opened me up to see a different part of myself. It cracked me open and asked me to find my own way; a new way and a new path- for me, not for anyone else, but for me.
So although I will probably always miss what was, and wonder what may be, I have finally reached a place where I feel thankful and okay with all that has happened. It has come and gone, and although it caused a few wounds, those wounds are now a part of my story. They are a part of me and contribute to the person I am today. And now I can look at them, finally, and feel love, empathy, and open arms toward them.
I guess that is what life is all about. Becoming wounded, taking the time to heal, and then once we are healed, thanking life for yet another experience which helped and encouraged us to grow and shed another leaf. I know from my personal experience, this heartbreak led me to a deeper part of myself, a part of me who is more loving and soft with the world. If nothing else, I thank you, heartbreak, and every one else who has been a part of my journey this last year. It has all had its purpose and allowed me to become the person I am today. And this person I wouldn’t trade the world for!
I am not really sure where to start. But let’s just start here: As I was talking to a co-worker the other day, explaining to her my current romantic situation, she told me what I already knew and what everyone else had been telling me as well: Move on and stop hanging out with your Ex.
This advice has been like a broken record for the past couple of weeks, so when she told me this, I replied with: “YES I know, believe me I am so aware of the situation it’s almost embarrassing, but you know what? We all LIVE and we all LEARN and that is exactly what I am doing right now.”
Isn’t that what life is all about anyways!? Living and learning?
I think there is a fine line, between repeating the same old habits over and over again, and living through them a couple of times before realizing that that specific life choice is not adding anything to your table, but only taking away what is good and leaving behind what is old and moldy.
But what is that fine line? Where is it drawn?
I would like to believe that the choices I have made regarding Evans and my post break-up, have led me to greater lands and that this too will do the same.
I think that we all know, deep down, the breaking point where a decision needs to be made; Whether we will keep eating the same old and moldy food, which by the way is not nutritious whatsoever, or throw out the old, make a trip to the grocery store, and serve ourselves a delicious and FRESH meal.
The part of the equation where we tend to get lost, is when we are faced at that crossroad and we decide (over and over again) that eating old and moldy food for days on end, is in fact good for us. We lose track of what ‘good’ tastes like, and settle for really gross tasting food.
This could be anything from an unhealthy relationship, an uninspiring and draining job, exhausting friendships, etc. At what point do we settle for a mediocre life and think: this is it.
I don’t think I am at that place yet, gosh at least I hope I’m not. I think there have been days where I have definitely eaten some moldy food, by not taking the time for myself or listening to my heart, in particular moments. Those moments didn’t feel good. They hurt my heart. However, I think that making those choices, to eat moldy food, a couple of times, is a part of life.
Although I am not eating moldy food every day (hanging out with Evan), I know that continuing to hang out with Evan automatically leaves dirty food on the table. However, by checking in with myself, trying to remain as true to myself as I possibly can, and listening to that voice I call my soul, there still seems to be fresh food on the table.
But that too is settling.
We can all live great lives that make us feel GOOD. I know it, I believe it, and I will BE IT.
However, sometimes, I also think that we just need to live and learn a little.
I trust that I will know when to stop participating in this love game and get back to my roots, myself, or whatever that is which makes my heart tick.
Because let’s be real here, I have dedicated so much of my time to become the person I am today, that I will not just throw it all away for one repetitive decision, which causes more suffering than happiness.
I will let go. I just don’t know when.
SIDE NOTE: Evan will always be a close friend of mine. This was yet another stage of our relationship. This blog post was not meant to harm his feelings, but to share mine. It is not a representation of who he is, but simply an expression of how I felt at a specific time in our post break-up relationship. He is a wonderful being and I wish him the utmost best, wherever life decides to take him.
To be continued …
Want more? ➣➣➣
Check out our latest #BlogPost
This is perfect for how I am feeling right now. Although amid heart-ache, I feel okay.
This is what is happening and resisting it only makes me feel worse.
I wish to accept how things are and trust that all will be well.
Because that’s the only thing that keeps me alive and going.
There are always flowers around for those who want to see them.
This morning was, well a little rough. It started with me in my bed, replaying different scenarios, that had happened WAY in the past.
It took a few minutes, well let’s just say ten minutes, to get myself back to the present moment.
Awe… it feels so good to be #HERE.
It seems pretty simple right?
That’s because it is! It only becomes complicated once our minds enter the equation and we decide that looking at our ex–boyfriends Facebook page, over and over again, is in fact a good idea.
#NO it is not. Don’t do it.
Let us practice that today.
I definitely am!
Sticking to what makes me feel good, and not even allowing myself to go to those places within my mind that cause me #anxiety. If anxiety shows up, I know I am focusing my attention on something that does not serve me.
#RELEASE that shitttttttttt!
-Sarah @ THELOVE4HAPPINESS
As I was driving to #Montana this evening, I reached a very familiar place, a place where I had once shared many special memories with an old lover. I began to feel sad. It hit me, yet again, that our paths had severed, and it was just me driving to Montana, and not ‘us’.
As a few more memories floated into my mind, I took a deep breath and looked out the window. There, I saw the most beautiful sunset, setting over the #Bridger Mountain Range. It was in that moment that I realized, I had a choice. I could follow these feelings of sadness, which mind you, I have done countless of times already, or I could #CHANGEUP my perspective.
I decided to #changeup my perspective. Rather than losing myself in the sadness, I chose to feel grateful for experiencing such a great love. To have had such wonderful memories with someone I care so deeply for, felt refreshing. I then reminded myself, that although we are no longer together, I will always carry a piece of him in my heart, and for our time together, I will always remain grateful.
I glanced outside the window, to witness, once again, the magnificent sunset. Shortly after, another feeling came to me, it was a feeling of #PEACE. The peace I observed in the sunset, I realized, was also inside of me. I can’t explain it in words, but in retrospect, by allowing myself to feel sad, but then recognizing that I could choose another perspective, allowed me to let go of the unnecessary and repetitive thought patterns, which have caused me such despair in the past, and bring me to a place of freedom and peace, #THESUNSET.
We all have a choice. I know at times our thoughts can be over bearing and sometimes seem too much to handle. But there is always another way. By practicing compassion towards ourselves, allowing ourselves to feel, and then realizing that we don’t have to engage in every thought, will set us #FREE.
Rememeber: Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to feel, but know when to back out and take the high road.
IT TAKES #PRACTICE, like anything in life. But a practice which will set us #FREE and make us #HAPPIER human beings.
What would PEACE do?
I have been asking myself this question for the past week. I ask it when I feel my ego trying to push me out of the way and take over the spotlight.
A few days ago, while on the phone with my sister, a certain topic came up, which my ego assumes it knows EVERYTHING about. I felt my ego (the control freak in me), craving so desperately to interrupt her and hand out my two sense, only to be “RIGHT”. When I felt this urge, I took a few deep breathes, brought myself back to the present moment, and asked myself, “What would PEACE do?” I found that when I anchored myself back to the present moment, by taking a few deep breathes and then asking myself this question, my ego disappeared. And the answer which came to me was this: LISTEN. Be PRESENT.
By fully listening to my sister, without allowing my ego to judge every word coming from her mouth, I was able to connect with her in a much more fulfilling and peaceful manner. Once we realize that we DO NOT have to participate in our ego’s self-destructive games, we no longer feel inhibited by our ego. We stop taking ourselves and our lives so seriously. It doesn’t have to be as hard as we make it out to be. By asking ourselves this question before our ego takes flight, we enable our true-selves to shine through. In the end we create more meaningful and heart-felt relationships, with ourselves and with others. The first step, is noticing when it is our egos in play or our authentic selves. Simply, be aware.
Note: This takes continuous practice. There are many times when my ego moves in ever so subtly and takes control. However, by practicing over and over again, the ego slowly loses its grip. If we want to create happier and healthier relationships with others and with ourselves, we must be willing to change.