What an amazing discovery to learn and experience. Although I am in the midst of it, I am slowly realizing, after time and time again of pointing the finger outward and blaming others for my suffering, that no one can disturb the inner ball of peace that resides within me.

Sure, it may seem like they can. Especially when their actions speak mountains louder than their words, or they don’t text or call me back when I assumed they would, or they leave me hanging without saying good-bye. But does any amount of suffering change the reality of the situation? Does it change them or their actions? In my experience, no. But do you know what it does effect? My happiness.

I am ready to surrender. I put up a good fight- the best fight in my egos eyes. But for what? To feel like shit over and over again?

I don’t want to suffer because of someone else. I don’t want to point the finger at another being because I don’t agree with how he or she is living or treating me. What do I know? How do I know that their way of living isn’t true for them? I don’t. And who is living my life when I am constantly concerned with their where a bouts? Who is taking care of me when I am over there worried about their life? Nobody. I am too busy trying to live their life for them, that I forget about me and my life. How exhausting.

So here I lay, waiting for the fog to clear the morning air.  I feel calm. I feel a new self emerging and another dying.  This new self feels like it has just been born.  It is still unsure of how to go about things and what to make of this new life, but it is alive and well.  I feel hopeful.

I am sick of fighting something or someone who I have no control over. I want to be happy and free. Waking up this morning, I remembered what I repeated to myself last night before I went to bed: I choose PEACE. And when a certain situation frazzled my social self this morning, I remembered that I have a choice: I can become angry and fall into the hamster wheel of madness, because a certain situation didn’t play out how I would’ve liked it to, or I can choose PEACE.

I choose PEACE. The rest is beyond me…