I am not really sure where to start. But let’s just start here: As I was talking to a co-worker the other day, explaining to her my current romantic situation, she told me what I already knew and what everyone else had been telling me as well: Move on and stop hanging out with your Ex.
This advice has been like a broken record for the past couple of weeks, so when she told me this, I replied with: “YES I know, believe me I am so aware of the situation it’s almost embarrassing, but you know what? We all LIVE and we all LEARN and that is exactly what I am doing right now.”
Isn’t that what life is all about anyways!? Living and learning?
I think there is a fine line, between repeating the same old habits over and over again, and living through them a couple of times before realizing that that specific life choice is not adding anything to your table, but only taking away what is good and leaving behind what is old and moldy.
But what is that fine line? Where is it drawn?
I would like to believe that the choices I have made regarding Evans and my post break-up, have led me to greater lands and that this too will do the same.
I think that we all know, deep down, the breaking point where a decision needs to be made; Whether we will keep eating the same old and moldy food, which by the way is not nutritious whatsoever, or throw out the old, make a trip to the grocery store, and serve ourselves a delicious and FRESH meal.
The part of the equation where we tend to get lost, is when we are faced at that crossroad and we decide (over and over again) that eating old and moldy food for days on end, is in fact good for us. We lose track of what ‘good’ tastes like, and settle for really gross tasting food.
This could be anything from an unhealthy relationship, an uninspiring and draining job, exhausting friendships, etc. At what point do we settle for a mediocre life and think: this is it.
I don’t think I am at that place yet, gosh at least I hope I’m not. I think there have been days where I have definitely eaten some moldy food, by not taking the time for myself or listening to my heart, in particular moments. Those moments didn’t feel good. They hurt my heart. However, I think that making those choices, to eat moldy food, a couple of times, is a part of life.
Although I am not eating moldy food every day (hanging out with Evan), I know that continuing to hang out with Evan automatically leaves dirty food on the table. However, by checking in with myself, trying to remain as true to myself as I possibly can, and listening to that voice I call my soul, there still seems to be fresh food on the table.
But that too is settling.
We can all live great lives that make us feel GOOD. I know it, I believe it, and I will BE IT.
However, sometimes, I also think that we just need to live and learn a little.
I trust that I will know when to stop participating in this love game and get back to my roots, myself, or whatever that is which makes my heart tick.
Because let’s be real here, I have dedicated so much of my time to become the person I am today, that I will not just throw it all away for one repetitive decision, which causes more suffering than happiness.
I will let go. I just don’t know when.
SIDE NOTE: Evan will always be a close friend of mine. This was yet another stage of our relationship. This blog post was not meant to harm his feelings, but to share mine. It is not a representation of who he is, but simply an expression of how I felt at a specific time in our post break-up relationship. He is a wonderful being and I wish him the utmost best, wherever life decides to take him.
To be continued …
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