This is what I said to myself while I was out in the #wilderness-alone… And it stills feels very true.
It reminds me that I am capable of doing whatever my heart desires. Whether I am camping by myself or starting a business from scratch. I am capable of allowing my heart to guide me and create my best life!
Please don’t throw people you love out because things don’t go the way you want.
If you ever deeply loved someone, you always will. That can’t change or die….it can simply get covered up by pain. The only way to not return to the love is to never heal. You are bigger than that.
Remember all the sweet times you had together. Don’t be afraid to feel this again. Think of all the things you learned with them and all the ways you grew as a result. Recognize how much richer your life has been because of them, and how indelibly they helped shape your evolution. Focus here.
Tell this story.
The neat thing about pain is, it ends. But the lessons learned continue on. If you do the work to process what you need to, the hurt is temporary, and the gifts are lasting. What a beautiful evolutionary bias to existence!
So process what you need to, let the pain go, and honor the beauty.
Notice how much more whole you feel when you do. And how much better you like who you’re being.
If you were taking your last breaths…or they were taking theirs….notice what remains in you. When you don’t have time for anything non-essential, notice how only love and gratitude arise. That is what really matters to you…what is real and important to you….when you don’t falsely believe that you have time to dwell and get stuck in the unimportant.
Everyone I have ever loved, I still do, as deeply as ever. It couldn’t be any other way. They shaped my heart. I learned what I know of love with them.
How we relate on the outside my have changed. What happens in my heart with them never will.
If a woman has felt safe enough with me and deemed me worthy to open her heart and her body to me….I feel forever indebted. If she ever needs anything, and I can give it, I will. It wouldn’t feel right to me any other way.
As hard as I work at doing good, I simply don’t believe any act truly warrants that kind of beauty, the gift of someone’s heart…so the only reasonable response for me is to feel overwhelmingly blessed.
There are three of my past relationships where we are not still actively close, because they requested that of me….and I actively miss them. And still nothing has changed in my heart; it still swells when I think of them.
This doesn’t mean I think we should be together romantically or sexually again…that might not be what’s in everyone’s highest good…which is what love wants for.
But I remember those times….where I felt I could die happy and complete…. Mostly, it means that I know her. Even though she may have grown and changed…I saw her deeply enough at one time to see what is essential…to see her goodness, her uniqueness, her spark, and know that there is absolutely no one like her.
I loved her because I saw the beauty of her nature…. That will never change.
When I think of the relationships I’ve had, I feel unreasonably fortunate. Not because I’ve never been cheated on or lied to or left. Of course I have. And for a time it was devastating. And as soon as clarity reemerged, I knew I would sign up for it again a thousand times over.
If she had been clearer and better resourced, she would have treated me better. I have no doubt about this. We both have loving hearts, love being the cause of someone else’s happiness, and have only acted hurtfully when we were confused, hurting, or disconnected. So how upset and resentful do I want to stay over someone loving me the best they could with all they had going on inside?
So work to let it go. Don’t feed the resentment story. Or any story that causes or comes from pain.
And you’ll stay centered in your own heart, living your values congruently, and choosing your reality consciously.
That is the only real safety.
“Nothing can shatter this love, for even if you were to take another into your arms my dear, you would still be kissing me.” ~Rumi
P.S. A relationship structure (being with this person, this way) is a strategy to meet needs: belonging, connection, security, etc. Love wants for the needs of the other, because love supports happiness. As such, love wants that strategy, as long as it is truly what supports happiness the best. If that should change, love wants for the other what they most want for themselves.
I have never vowed to a relationship structure till death do us part….because I care about happiness and love and truth more than structures…and I know I cant predict the future that well. I think that is a better intention if its arising for both people, than it is a vow.
Here is the lifetime vow that I have made, and feel is honest and I can keep: “I vow to see you, and love you, and honor you, and care about you forever….and to relate with you in whatever ways truly serve the highest good.” As long as being with me supports your greatest happiness, we will be together. If things should change and something else would support your happiness better, then I want that. And Im still keeping the vow.
From this view, there is no such thing as a break up. Only a transition of how we love, as needed.
Note: This was shared to me by a friend, which was shared to her by a friend. The Author I am unaware of, however, my heart said to post it!
I can give myself whatever it is that I am seeking from another person.
For example, say I wanted to hear from a special someone, yet the reality of the situation was that I didn’t hear from that person. As soon as my expectation is met with the reality of the situation (not hearing from that person), I become sad and a tad angry.
So I ask myself a question: What would I have in this moment, that I don’t have right now, if I was to hear from this person?
ANSWER: Love, appreciation, being cared for, etc.
Hmm… well if my feelings are the only thing that would change, can’t I give those experiences to myself? Can’t I imagine what it would feel like to receive that from another person and then give it to myself?
YES, why yes I CAN!
I can give myself LOVE, APPRECIATION, and acts of kindness, the same way any other person could.
Wow, what a great and humbling SURPRISE.
The love and appreciation that I give to myself, feels like a thousand shooting stars.
What a feeling!
What an amazing discovery to learn and experience. Although I am in the midst of it, I am slowly realizing, after time and time again of pointing the finger outward and blaming others for my suffering, that no one can disturb the inner ball of peace that resides within me.
Sure, it may seem like they can. Especially when their actions speak mountains louder than their words, or they don’t text or call me back when I assumed they would, or they leave me hanging without saying good-bye. But does any amount of suffering change the reality of the situation? Does it change them or their actions? In my experience, no. But do you know what it does effect? My happiness.
I am ready to surrender. I put up a good fight- the best fight in my egos eyes. But for what? To feel like shit over and over again?
I don’t want to suffer because of someone else. I don’t want to point the finger at another being because I don’t agree with how he or she is living or treating me. What do I know? How do I know that their way of living isn’t true for them? I don’t. And who is living my life when I am constantly concerned with their where a bouts? Who is taking care of me when I am over there worried about their life? Nobody. I am too busy trying to live their life for them, that I forget about me and my life. How exhausting.
So here I lay, waiting for the fog to clear the morning air. I feel calm. I feel a new self emerging and another dying. This new self feels like it has just been born. It is still unsure of how to go about things and what to make of this new life, but it is alive and well. I feel hopeful.
I am sick of fighting something or someone who I have no control over. I want to be happy and free. Waking up this morning, I remembered what I repeated to myself last night before I went to bed: I choose PEACE. And when a certain situation frazzled my social self this morning, I remembered that I have a choice: I can become angry and fall into the hamster wheel of madness, because a certain situation didn’t play out how I would’ve liked it to, or I can choose PEACE.
I choose PEACE. The rest is beyond me…
RECAP: Break-up REMIX
August 18th, 2014
You know what’s crazy? How a song can make you feel… How it can take you back to how you felt months ago, to that one particular feeling that you were experiencing. You can pin point where you were, what you were doing, and how you were feeling, and it all makes you want to throw up- at least in my case it does.
Listening to this song, takes me back to a very vulnerable and broken place. It seems like a life time ago, although it was only eleven months, that Evan and I broke up, which again, seems insanely crazy because I feel like a different person now. It is WILD what heartbreak can break you open to.
It has been nine months since my last blog post, and now, this is me writing from a completely different place from where I was last December. I want to cry happy tears, as I embrace who I am today and remember who I was nine months ago.
I think this break-up was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not in a way that makes me regret my relationship, not in that way at all, but in a way that opened up my eyes to see a new version of myself. This break-up broke me open, and although it was scary, sad, and at times unbearable, it provided me with a new set of tools. Tools to use and play with to build a new style of living.
At times, amid heart break, it can feel like there is no end in sight, like there is no way out of the brokenness, but I am here to remind you that there is! It is right there, just outside the bubble of despair. But you know what? The bubble of despair is just as important as the joy and freedom right outside of it.
As I listen to this song, and it reminds me of where I was last winter, I get a weird sense of comfort; I feel almost thankful for the dark and gloomy days, because they allowed me to grow, deepen my spiritual practice, and plant new roots. Heartbreak is weird. It is all consuming and emotionally draining. It feels like it takes it all out of us, yet it also welcomes new life and encourages us to step outside of our bubble of despair and smell the new roses just outside of our sadness.
This heartbreak has opened me up to see a different part of myself. It cracked me open and asked me to find my own way; a new way and a new path- for me, not for anyone else, but for me.
So although I will probably always miss what was, and wonder what may be, I have finally reached a place where I feel thankful and okay with all that has happened. It has come and gone, and although it caused a few wounds, those wounds are now a part of my story. They are a part of me and contribute to the person I am today. And now I can look at them, finally, and feel love, empathy, and open arms toward them.
I guess that is what life is all about. Becoming wounded, taking the time to heal, and then once we are healed, thanking life for yet another experience which helped and encouraged us to grow and shed another leaf. I know from my personal experience, this heartbreak led me to a deeper part of myself, a part of me who is more loving and soft with the world. If nothing else, I thank you, heartbreak, and every one else who has been a part of my journey this last year. It has all had its purpose and allowed me to become the person I am today. And this person I wouldn’t trade the world for!
Wow! Well this is CRAZYYY!
I completely forgot that I wrote a blog post a couple of months ago, regarding this next blog, that I am about to share with you. It wasn’t until I lived through a unique sequence of events, that I realized I had already written a blog about my travel intentions.
And now there is so much JUICY news to share!
To summarize the blog post (that I wrote back in April), it explored an overwhelming feeling to travel and #EXPLORE. And not just anywhere, but somewhere tropical. I had my own sense of #ISLANDFEVER. I didn’t know where it was coming from. Was I meant to travel, or not? And what was the meaning behind it all? I didn’t know. All I knew was that I was experiencing a strong sense to travel, which then moved me to write THIS (click to read previous blog post).
There were a serious of events that occurred after I wrote ⇡ blog post. I can’t pin point the exact dates of each event, but it was roughly 2 weeks after I wrote the first blog.
It must have been in the beginning of April when the first event took place. My roommate had an Outside Magazine lying around the house, normally this magazine wouldn’t catch my eye, however, the cover was titled ‘20 Best Trips’. This intrigued me, as I had just written that blog about traveling.
I browsed through the magazine, seeing if anything resonated with me. Nothing did. I let it be.
A couple of days later, I was in a friend’s car and this SAME magazine was sitting on his dashboard. Weird, I thought. I took another browse through the magazine, but again, nothing resonated. I let it be.
It must have been a week later, when I was on my way to visit my sister in San Diego, and as I was walking off the airplane, I glanced over my shoulder to see a man reading the SAME magazine.
At this point, I was like, okay there is something happening here. I didn’t know what it was, but I went to buy this magazine for the sole purpose of feeling like I should have it in my possession.
I got off the plane, went to the nearest newsstand, and purchased the magazine. Again, I browsed through it, seeing if this time around something popped out at me. Still nothing.
Then, as I was sitting at the gate, waiting to depart, a question subtly arose: “I wonder where the cover of this magazine was shot?” I thought to myself.
Here is the cover:
It was somewhere tropical and looked like my kind of place!
It was too late to call Outside Magazine, as their offices had closed for the day. So, I let it be.
On April 23rd, my Birthday, I went to a local coffee shop to do some writing, and as I reached for my computer, I noticed that I had had the Outside magazine in my backpack. I took it out, pondered the cover for a second, and then decided to call Outside Magazine to see where they shot the cover of their April 2014 issue.
Drum roll please….. Palawan.
As I began researching Palawan, I soon realized that it was an island in the Phillippines, which excited me, as I could picture myself possibly traveling to this beautiful and remote #ISLAND. I mean why else had I been led to this magazine!? ☺
I let this idea swarm through my mind for about a month.
I was pretty excited about the prospect of traveling to Palawan, however, I decided to be open to any other ideas that may come my way. I didn’t want to close the door on Palawan, but I also didn’t want to be closed off to any other possibilities.
One morning after I meditated, I set an #INTENTION for the day: To be open to receive a sign from the Universe. Palawan wasn’t even on my mind when I made this intention. I just wanted to be available to any sign that the Universe may be trying to show me.
Soon after that, I headed to the coffee shop. As I was talking to the barista, a man behind me began talking with me. Long story short, I ended up telling him that I wanted to travel and that I was thinking of going to an Island in the Philippines, but that I was waiting for a sign. (WINK,WINK) He then told me that he had a friend who ran an orphanage in the Philippines. I asked where and he said ….. PALAWAN!
Mind you, I live in a town the size of only 2,000 people, so the chances of this happening, is very slim!
After conversing with this man for a bit, I remember thinking: if this isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is. I could wonder, going back and forth in my head, if this is yet a #TRUE sign and if I should perhaps wait for another one to come, just to make triple sure. Or I could notice how I feel in my body when I ask myself a question that pertains to Palawan. How does it feel when I think about traveling to Palawan? I get a warm and excited feeling in my heart space. Almost a knowing feeling; A feeling that tells me that Palawan is where I am supposed to go. It feels scary for sure, but it doesn’t make me want to crawl out of my skin.
So with that being said, I will trust in that feeling and a little in the unknown, as scary as that may be, and I will follow that straight to Palawan, Philippines.
I am in such awe that life magically steers us into directions we once never thought imaginable.
We truly do live in a MAGICAL WORLD!!!!!
I am set to go to Palawan at the end of October. If you have any suggestions, PLEASE feel free to email me and give me your two cents. ;)
With Love and CURIOUSITY,