Something happened yesterday, something wonderful, scary, and interesting. I went over to my friend Lea’s house to go horse back riding. I remember trying to calm my nerves as I was driving up her drive way. I wanted to have a great horse experience today, an experience which included actually getting on the horse. I have worked with Lea and her horses for the past six months, and although I have ridden horses many times before meeting Lea, these past six months have been completely different. Long story short, I had to let go of what I thought I knew about horses in order to understand them and myself on a completely new level. Each week I went to Lea’s and spent time with the horses, the experience almost always corresponded with how I was feeling on a personal level. It was like the horse mirrored whatever I was feeling at that particular time in my life, which is why yesterdays experience was so profound.
Over the course of the past couple of months, I have learned a vast amount about myself and horses have played a significant part in that. I didn’t realize how much of my time I was wasting on the thoughts and opinions of others. I actually wasn’t aware of it at all. I was trapped by ‘dogma’, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. I was allowing the noise of other’s opinions to drown out my own inner voice. I still struggle with this. However, by spending time with horses I have slowly developed a higher sense of self-awareness.
Horses have this unique ability to mirror whatever energy you may be omitting around them. If you are scared they will soon mirror your fear and also become scared. They will reveal to you your true colors, whether you like what you see or not.
For many weeks my experiences with the horses seemed to always disappoint me. Why couldn’t I make a connection with one of them? Why didn’t they want to befriend me? Looking back it makes me laugh a little, because now I am able to connect the dots. The energy that I was omitting wasn’t pure or honest with how I felt in that moment. I was yet again, caught up in the rapid chatter of my mind; concerned more about how I should act around the horses and how they were perceiving me, than I was with my own feelings. Subsequently, I couldn’t connect with the horse. None the less, each visit taught me something valuable and led me to where I am today.
By now you are probably wondering why yesterday was such a memorable and meaningful horse experience for me. Well, as I said earlier, upon arriving to Lea’s, I was pretty nervous. Although I repeatedly tried to remind myself to be present, by bringing myself back to my body, listening to it and my surroundings, moment by moment, I was still not succeeding. Then something interesting happened. I began shaking. This shake used to be very familiar to me. It was a nervous shake that I would get around a guy I dated years ago. So when this happened, I was a little shocked and surprised. Why on earth was I having the same shakes around Eva as I did with a past-lover? One word: EXPECTATIONS. Proceeding Lea’s, I had formed an expectation in my mind of how I wanted to experience that day. I was so fixated on that expectation, that when my nerves got the best of me and my ‘expectation of the day’ wasn’t matching the idea in my head, I began nervously shaking. By the time this happened, I was ready to give in my reins and call it day. I was putting SO MUCH pressure on myself to fulfill this fabricated illusion that I had formed in my mind, that I forgot to just be and have fun.
I forget what happened next, but I vividly remember Lea reminding me to stop being so hard on myself and get OUT of my head! It was at that juncture that I decided to get on Eva and hope for the best.
I think the decision to get on her, despite what my mind was telling me to do (don’t get on, just give up), allowed me to let go and surrender to whatever may be. And soon after that, something shifted inside of me and in Eva. The fear and nervousness I once felt was replaced with confidence and self-trust. It was magical. That once fearless ‘Sarah’ came out of the woodworks and it was in that moment that I began to enjoy myself. I felt Eva beginning to enjoy herself as well. Facing my fears head on, allowed them to disappear.
The most eye-opening, jaw dropping, and inspiring part of the entire experience was witnessing the same shift I felt, in Eva. She began to mirror me, but this time in a way I never thought possible. It brings me such joy just writing about it. As I began to trust myself, she began to trust me, as I became calm, she did too. If I wanted to walk, so did she. She looked to me for confidence and I was able to provide that for her. One of my favorite teachers and horse whisperers, Koelle Simpson, introduced me to this new concept of staying in our own business. There were moments on the ride where Eva began to get excited, as she witnessed the other horses in the herd galloping and acting playfully on the opposite side of the fence. Prior to this experience, I probably would have gotten off Eva and walked her, but instead, I remained calm and composed and stayed in MY BUSINESS. Eva is easily influenced by her environment, especially when there is a lot of commotion going on around her. If I were to get tangled up in her excitement, I may have lost control and ended up on the ground. However, I was confident. I knew she would look to me for reassurance that she was going to be fine, walking on the path, without the rest of her herd. It took about a minute or less for her to respond to my energy, but when she did she became calm and collected.
Staying in our own business is a helpful life tool to use whether we are spending time with horses or not. So many of us can become tangled up in others emotions, reactions, thoughts, etc, that we lose track of ourselves and our own voice. This entire experience with Eva has helped me realize just that. If someone acts out towards me with their anger, sadness, frustration, or a mixture of both, I now realize that their emotions have nothing to do with me, and if I stay in my own business, I will not be effected negatively by their so-called ‘stuff’.
Eva has taught me a tremendous amount about myself over the past eight months. Spending time with her has developed my entire sense of self-awareness, as I am always reminded to be in the present moment. That is where she lives, and if I want to create a relationship with her, that is where I have to live as well. It is so inspiring to know that Eva, a horse, can help me grow as an individual and become a better person and horseman. I am beyond grateful for this experience and for Eva. So, I thank you Eva, for being you. It has been a great ride and I look forward to our future together.
I am not really sure where to start. But let’s just start here: As I was talking to a co-worker the other day, explaining to her my current romantic situation, she told me what I already knew and what everyone else had been telling me as well: Move on and stop hanging out with your Ex.
This advice has been like a broken record for the past couple of weeks, so when she told me this, I replied with: “YES I know, believe me I am so aware of the situation it’s almost embarrassing, but you know what? We all LIVE and we all LEARN and that is exactly what I am doing right now.”
Isn’t that what life is all about anyways!? Living and learning?
I think there is a fine line, between repeating the same old habits over and over again, and living through them a couple of times before realizing that that specific life choice is not adding anything to your table, but only taking away what is good and leaving behind what is old and moldy.
But what is that fine line? Where is it drawn?
I would like to believe that the choices I have made regarding Evans and my post break-up, have led me to greater lands and that this too will do the same.
I think that we all know, deep down, the breaking point where a decision needs to be made; Whether we will keep eating the same old and moldy food, which by the way is not nutritious whatsoever, or throw out the old, make a trip to the grocery store, and serve ourselves a delicious and FRESH meal.
The part of the equation where we tend to get lost, is when we are faced at that crossroad and we decide (over and over again) that eating old and moldy food for days on end, is in fact good for us. We lose track of what ‘good’ tastes like, and settle for really gross tasting food.
This could be anything from an unhealthy relationship, an uninspiring and draining job, exhausting friendships, etc. At what point do we settle for a mediocre life and think: this is it.
I don’t think I am at that place yet, gosh at least I hope I’m not. I think there have been days where I have definitely eaten some moldy food, by not taking the time for myself or listening to my heart, in particular moments. Those moments didn’t feel good. They hurt my heart. However, I think that making those choices, to eat moldy food, a couple of times, is a part of life.
Although I am not eating moldy food every day (hanging out with Evan), I know that continuing to hang out with Evan automatically leaves dirty food on the table. However, by checking in with myself, trying to remain as true to myself as I possibly can, and listening to that voice I call my soul, there still seems to be fresh food on the table.
But that too is settling.
We can all live great lives that make us feel GOOD. I know it, I believe it, and I will BE IT.
However, sometimes, I also think that we just need to live and learn a little.
I trust that I will know when to stop participating in this love game and get back to my roots, myself, or whatever that is which makes my heart tick.
Because let’s be real here, I have dedicated so much of my time to become the person I am today, that I will not just throw it all away for one repetitive decision, which causes more suffering than happiness.
I will let go. I just don’t know when.
SIDE NOTE: Evan will always be a close friend of mine. This was yet another stage of our relationship. This blog post was not meant to harm his feelings, but to share mine. It is not a representation of who he is, but simply an expression of how I felt at a specific time in our post break-up relationship. He is a wonderful being and I wish him the utmost best, wherever life decides to take him.
To be continued …
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As I try to sit and #write from an authentic place within myself, my mind keeps interrupting and steering me off into weird territories! I feel pressured to write, which feels very uncomfortable in my #body. I began to journal about this weird feeling, just to clear the air a bit, but I only became more confused as to why I felt this way. And then I saw this quote, and suddenly, I felt much better.
May You always know your own value.
May You always know your own beauty.
May You always know your own worth.
May You always know your Oneness with the Divine.
May You always feel deserving to receive.
And may You know You are Love.
I love the #UNIVERSE!!!!
I had another great “The Universe at Hand“ as I like to call them, experience. It began last week (April 23rd – MY BDAY) when a friend pulled a #tarotcard for me. It was the King of Wands. She summed it up for me as this:I highlighted the #KEY words that really resonated with me.
After I read this, I kept it in the back of my mind. I knew that taking on more confidence in myself and in my personal work and growth, was something that had recently been showing up in my life. But I let it #CHILL for a sec.
I then went to visit friend a couple of days later. She began talking about totem animals. To me, totem animals are animals that unexpectedly pop up into your life and add meaning to you just when you need it. An example of this, was last year, when I was having a difficult time understanding a certain situation in my life. Out of nowhere, I saw a dragonfly swoop down before me. I immediately googled it and what I read about dragonflies gave me the courage and confidence I needed right in that moment.
So as we were talking about animal totems, I became curious, yet not attaching myself to a particular outcome. I also, set this #ASIDE.
The next morning I went to a coffee shop and ordered a lavender honey latte- #YES, it was amazing! After the gentlemen finished making my latte, he handed it to me, showing me that he had tried to make a #PEACOCK out of the foam. “Hmm, I pondered. A peacock huh?“. Here is the lovely art work of the peacock:
I thanked the barista and headed on my way. Of course, once I got to my car, I googled ‘peacock’. This is what I found: (I also highlighted what resonated with me)
So there I was, now with two signs pointing me to the same direction. I kind of let it ponder in the back of my head, not sure what to do with it.
Then two days ago, I saw a freaking #PEACOCK walking across the side of the street. I mean who sees a peacock just roaming the #STREETS!?
At this point, I was like okay, what is going on here?? I understood the message, but what was I supposed to do with it?
It is very ironic, because as all of this was happening, I could feel myself, and have continued to feel myself, grow more confident on a personal and also on a professional level. It felt as if I was shedding an old layer and re-discovering a new sense of confidence beneath it all. I felt more #FREE to be me.
After seeing this #peacock walking across the street, although in a state of #AWE, I was still unsure as what to make of it all.
I attended yoga later that evening, and before the class began, the instructor, whom was so awesome by the way, asked us if we wanted to set an intention for the practice, and if so, to do it now. I thought about it, wondering if I had an intention to set.
A question came to mind. I asked the universe what was I supposed to do with all of this new and juicy information!? I asked this question, and then let it go.
Throughout my practice, I had completely forgotten that I had asked the question. Until, an answer came to me.
It was more of a feeling, so it is hard for me to put into words, but it went something like this: Be patient Sarah. Let it be. When the time comes you will know what to do. TRUST the process.
I felt completely at peace with this feeling that had just passed through me. And that is what I decided to do: #LetItBe.
I just think it is ABSOLUTELY amazing when things like this happen. It reminds me that we are not alone on this path. That there is something guiding us and showing us the way. We must trust in that; trust that we will always be taken care of, no matter how brutally confused we may be.
Life is breathing for us right now. It is here to show us our truest colors. It is only when we quiet our minds, can we hear the rhythm of life. It is always there, waiting for us to slow down and #SHOWUP. I hope this #INSPIRES you to listen to your own wisdom and watch for signs that the #UNIVERSE may be trying to show you.
I urge you to take the time to become one with life itself. It is there where we feel most at #HOME.
Questions/Comments? EMAIL ME @ firstname.lastname@example.org! We are on this journey together.
Be well and stay #curious.